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[Dirk's head turns, and it's honestly pathetic how open he is. Exhausted, circles marked under his eyes when a week of all-nighters barely phases him, deep furrows at the corners, the drawn-down lift of brows in hope that's scared to hope. Dirk has never been an easy read, not totally by choice, he's never been an easy read because he's never had anyone to read him so how could he learn to be seen?

He liked seeing Dave. He liked Dave seeing him.

He liked learning how to trust. He liked being worthy of the trust he was given.]

That isn't fair, and you know I can't even start to be satisfied with it.

[He turns his palm upwards. But he's too scared to reach for Dave's hand.]

Okay. Open house, locked room.

[It isn't fair. He can't be satisfied with it. But at least it's better than his brother taking maybe years to pull away from him.]

[ there had been absolutely no plan for what would happen if dirk said no but dave wasn't sure he needed one. he's the end of a chain of loops, unless he sets himself off again.

he just. laughs. it's not filled with humor, just kind of self-deprecating and a little manic. short and abruptly cut off before he rubs at one of his eyes. ]

Yeah, I. Can't fix myself. I tried? I did try.

[ what does he even mean by "fix himself" - of course he means he just spent more time than he should have trying to make himself not care about bro, to try to shove himself into some semblance of not broken, but it turns out dave strider alone with all the time in the world just can't manage that.

it's been entirely too long since he reached out to touch someone so he doesn't even notice the sign dirk's waiting, dave's gaze flicking to the horizon and locking on. ]

But it's not like it's fair to let you into that room, either, so. Okay. What's Lara like.

[The laugh unsettles Dirk. It's enough to snap his own terror (Dave is always enough to break through it even when he makes it, Dave means so much to Dirk and he thinks now that this entire thing is happening because Dave sees the effects of that without understanding that it's true) so he reaches out. He grabs Dave's hand.

It isn't Dave's choice anymore. He needs someone to hold onto and he's getting it.]

That isn't how that shit works, dunkass.

[Whatever Dave tried. It's stupid. You don't 'fix' yourself. Dirk's the mechanic, Dirk understands robots, Dirk understands that people are not that. You work and you fight and you change and you move forward. You don't take a wrench to it and close off a leak or hammer out a new path for the emotions.]

I don't know if I can deal with that door being locked if you hide shit from me in all the other rooms.

Would you even tell me that you were dating Karkat with where we are right now?

[No, that's too much. He looks away again and his brows scrunch up. It hurts? He's pretty sure his face isn't used to moving this many muscles this little time which is actually funny. He has to tell that to Dave.]

Sorry. Dude. I am totally giving my face muscles cramps from overworking them.

[Look NO ONE HAS HIS SENSE OF HUMOUR do you know how deprived he has been without being able to tell Dave his absurd thoughts?]

LARA is learning how to talk. She's pretty sweet, honestly. I put her on Floater Island because I'm worried about letting her hook up to URSULA but she gets lonely so we have to visit her. I'm pretty sure Roxy's planning on giving her bows?

We're teaching her how to talk.

[ he could only fit so many visits back to the base in the too-long time he looped out. there were four days, and he'd stolen as much of rose's time as he could manage without giving her a chance to talk him out of anything, hung around karkat and john and the friends he'd made on base. dave could cheat a little, make it more than four days as he spent time with two different people during the same stretch of seconds or minutes or hours, but there are limits to the cheating even time travel can produce.

there's a pause before his fingers curl around dirk's, remembering how he's supposed to hold someone's hand. right. ]

That's a cruel and unnatural punishment for a baby AI.

[ jake's old-mannisms and dirks' striderisms, combining to teach anything or anyone to talk, he means. because. holy shit? all they need to do is add in karkat or something and the poor thing will be wrecked beyond repair. ]

I'm considering pressing charges? In the interest of a vernacular that ain't completely fucked to hell?

[ his grip is too loose and awkward because he ran out of hours to loop in back at the base a while ago without dipping into the future. ]

I'd tell you about Karkat. Tbh, I don't really want to keep it a secret anymore anyway. But he does, so it's chill.

[It's okay. Dirk will hold his hand tight enough for the both of them.]

You're welcome to add your vocabulary to the mix. I'm personally thinking of asking Rose to talk to her.

[Rest in peace, everyone who ever talks to LARA.

He doesn't turn his head to look at Dave, but his eyes flicker up. He feels like a kid right now. He is a kid. Maybe Dave doesn't understand that? That they're both children, worse than children. Real kids have a head start on learning how to be human around other people.]

I've been told once or twice that my insecurity is something of a major relationship-wrecker. When I think I'm seeing someone pull away from me, I... Let's just say that it was a fight not to make more of a mess of this than I did.

I understand that you don't want to talk to me about your Bro, even if I don't agree with the reasoning behind it. But I guess I need to know if you're willing to talk to me about other shit. Things that matter. Things that scare or upset you.

The things I'd like to be there for, still? To support you. That's the kind of brother I want to be.

[It all comes back to Dave's Bro, he knows. So maybe Dave will lock him out of everything. But if what he gets from Dave is just the same as what a friendly stranger gets—]

I guess that's all I'm saying.

[His throat hurts a little too. Shit.]

I'll take you to meet LARA.

[ the things that scare and upset him are all too tied up in bro and the past to make it easy. it sucks that so much of him is made up of all of that, bro and their houston apartment and the implacable puppetmaster dave still can't figure out, years after the fact. he keeps other secrets, sometimes, but almost everything that matters that he doesn't say is kept to the same room (spilling out from under the door, scattered through the house, because he can't lock it all up no matter what he does). ]

Now?

[ well. he won't say no if dirk wants to. but. ]

I will admit I was hopin' to actually use the kitchen. [ he is so sick of seafood. ] But sure, I got the time.

[ is perfectly aware of the route he'd need to take to avoid any version of himself because he knows he doesn't meet any of them like this ]

We can talk about anything else. I'll still answer when you ask. [ about time, about everything else, just not bro. ]

You know perfectly well I will never stop you from going to the kitchen.

[He will actually kill Dave?? If he doesn't go eat now. It's a Just death. Get ready for it.]

Do you know if you're ready to come home yet?

[Because Dirk hasn't asked how long but he knows it has been forever. You can't fit that many loops into a short span of time but Dirk doesn't know how far ahead Dave let himself get before winding back and going forward again, he doesn't know how many months or years he fit into a few days, he doesn't know.

He does know he might kill Jake English if the poor dude has to put up with his clingy insecure mess of a best bro for much longer. Jake is a man who needs his space, and Dirk is not. Jake has been doing his best as a friend to help but it is more than full-time, what he's trying to pull off.

Dirk thinks he owes him, like. Everything in James Cameron's oeuvre for that.]

I'm the end of my current loop set.

[ it's not yes and it's not no because dave doesn't know if "ready" is the right term, but he does want to stop the useless attempt to fix his own bullshit. he's become pretty certain all he can do about bro and the past is lock it up tight and never talk about it because he sure as fuck has never been able to figure out a way to fix any of it, or deal with it, or...anything at all.

maybe he learned the wrong lesson. it's been known to happen. ]

I want to make myself a sandwich. Yeah.

[ he is not sure what kind? he will just put everything on it. and it will be disgusting and he will love it. ]

Would it be cool if I helped?

[Make the sandwich. Be near Dave. Feel like he has some positive existence in Dave's proximity and is not a constant source of misery and backsliding.

Yeah this is gonna be an uphill climb.]

Only so long as you realize I'm not sharin'.

[ the sandwich. because he will eat it all???? potentially he will eat, like, three sandwiches.

dirk will have to make his own sandwich if he wants one because dave is very enamoured with the idea of eating something made up of two slices of bread and non-seafood. ]

You know I would never take your food, dude.

[Like. Maybe if it was Doritos? Probably not even if it was Doritos.

Dirk stands up but he also isn't letting go of Dave's hand? Sorry Dave you'll have to make him let go. You awoke this. Now you have to deal with it.]

From the necessary removed perspective, I can kind of appreciate the irony of the entire situation.

Edited 2016-08-16 07:46 (UTC)

[ maybe. but it's thirteen years of having to hoard food against three years of not having to but doing it anyway. even here, dave's weird about food. he doesn't eat as much as he could because he forgets sometimes, and when he does he doesn't really like people stealing anything he puts on his plate, but he never puts up anything other than a token resistance. ]

You can't mention irony and not expand on it.

[ oh okay he supposes they are just. holding hands now. dave lets himself be dragged to his feet through the force of dirk getting to his while still holding dave's hand. ]

Edited 2016-08-16 07:49 (UTC)

[It really is something a little kid would do. Dirk knows that. But Dirk still doesn't want to let go. If he does, won't Dave just loop away from him again?]

We both hurt each other worse than we've ever done before by trying to protect one another.

[They produced exactly the effect they were working so hard trying to prevent.]

If Gods of Irony are a thing they've gotta be giving each other double high fives over this shit.

This wasn't the worst you ever hurt me.

[ dave says, completely unthinking in pure stunned surprise before his eyes widen and he lets go of dirk's hand. ]

I mean. Yeah, probably, they're probs doin' just that. But aren't we p sure they're a thing? Like. We're gods, it counts.

[It makes Dirk stop. His hand feels cold.

Very, very quietly, in the base of his throat, he speaks.]

Dave. I'm not him.

[He offers his hand again. It's stupid because he's pretty sure it's just going to be ignored, but he does it. He can't not do it. That's just the kind of stupid insecure desperate mess he is. Even knowing he's going to be abandoned again he reaches out for what he needs.]

Come on. Let me help make you a stupidly disgusting sandwich you're gonna love?

I know. I wasn't talking about - [ bro. he actually wasn't. none of this even registered as dirk's fault. even if it did, it wasn't the worst memory he had of dirk strider, sans bro. ] Shit, I didn't mean to say anything, let's forget it even happened. That wasn't your fault either.

[ he doesn't clarify, doesn't expand on it, but just hesitates for a long moment before reaching back out and allowing dirk to hold his hand. sure. this is fine. ]

Yeah, ok.

[Dirk just barely stops himself from keeping a tight grip.]

If it isn't about him, then it isn't off-limits. I'm not gonna press but I wanna know.

[Dave said they could talk about those things. Dirk didn't expect to see that promise broken so soon. And he really expects that it will be broken.

But it's all right. Even hopeless he's going to be true to himself and what he wants.]

We can talk about it now, or we can do it after you get a sandwich, or we can not do it. It's your choice.

It wasn't your fault. I didn't mean to say - imply, whatever - that. [ but the worst hurt in conjunction with dirk was something else. ] I just meant this didn't hurt as bad as -

[ he's quiet for a few more long minutes. ]

Killing you? That was worse than this.

[ dave had agreed to it, though, and it had made sense at the time in terms of strategy. there wasn't any other option. ]

[Oh.

Dirk stares at him, really stares. Like it's just really hard for him to believe it. But he promised he'd trust people, he promised he'd try to have faith. And that's what Dave is saying and he means it.

Dirk thinks about the way that Jake still touches his neck sometimes like he's amazed it's attached to his body.]

I promise I won't ever do that to you again.

[He'd made a different promise to Jake once. Jake asked him not to die and Dirk looked at the game they were about to face and slipped around it.

He won't this time.]

[ yeah, oh. dave only mentions the killing-dirk thing off and on and he never, ever mentioned to dirk that it had actually been pretty fucking terrible while it happened and after. but dirk's right: he'd agreed to talk about shit as long as it wasn't bro related.

and decapitating dirk was a purely dave and dirk fuckup. no bro necessary.

he shrugs one-shouldered, the motion moving his hand in dirk's a little. he'd agreed to be open about the other shit that wasn't now sacrosanct but even so dave doesn't know how to talk about things sometimes. ]

Yeah. [ dirk's promised to be more careful in fights, to not throw his life away. they've talked about that before. they've never discussed how aside from dave himself, dirk's the first human being dave ever had to cut down. ] We didn't have another choice at the time. S'cool.

Dude. Not even Gwenllian ferch Gruffydd could make decapitation cool.

[Dirk pulls an arm around Dave's shoulder in a sort of half-hug. He's scared to take a proper hug but some crazy fucked up part of him is elated. It isn't Bro, but it's something real. Dave's shrugging it off but he isn't pushing him away. Dave is talking to him.

Maybe he hasn't completely ruined his relationship with his brother.]

No, uncalled for, you are not allowed to bring more welsh shit into my life than there already is.

[ dave grouses, and okay why is dirk trying to half hug him and hold his hand? dave drops dirk's hand again, huffing. ]

Anyway, I'm hungry, so. [ he drops the topic of what happened in the battle with jack like it doesn't matter at all, unsure as to what to even say about it. ]

Sure.

[Right after Dirk hugs him. It isn't at flashstep speed but it isn't clingy, he lets go after a moment. He just needed the hug.]

Is it cool if I go with you when you wake up from nightmares?

[...Like he's done it before sometimes but he's never asked and he tried not to do it too much because he didn't want to be clingy. But now he just. Wants to be there? Look what you did, Dave.

Also don't worry he's hopping into the ocean now so they can go get a sandwich. Honestly no person should be this relieved at being told their family is distressed about their death, but then, it's the telling part that has him hopeful.]

Edited 2016-08-16 08:59 (UTC)

[ dave flexes the fingers of his left hand before he takes a step towards the water. time to swim back, he guesses, so he has to put on the breathing apparatus shit. ]

I don't know. Sometimes, maybe. Usually I just like to chill alone or with Wiz.

[ this is weird? this is weird. be less happy about this, dirk. ]

[just get bodymods you weirdo.

Dirk's telepathy is at least as finely monotonous as his speech, so there's that.]

Okay. Cool.

Just let me know? You know I don't sleep much anyway.

[Because he wakes up every single time anyone in the family so much as goes for a glass of water. Roxy has done this to him.]

And I like your company.

Edited 2016-08-16 09:05 (UTC)

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