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[parodeity]

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Comments

8/1;

[splinten]

[He didn't expect his antivirus efforts to lead to these discoveries. He doesn't contact Dave directly, but the moment he bumps into him on base he greets him with:] Dude. If you do not ask me to be best man I'm gonna make you let me give Karkat away.

On consideration, giving Karkat away might be a position best given to Karkat. Maid of honour is taken by URSULA, so I'll do ringbearer if you want John for your best man.

[parodeity]

[ dave's been texting his ridiculous boyfriend so he just kind of glances up in confusion for a second (best man? what?).

LOOKS LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GO OVER KARKAT'S HEAD TO URSULA AFTER ALL.

he immediately starts laughing. ]

Dude, what, this is total bullshit where was my hollywood proposal? I didn't even get a ring pop out of the deal? That totally does explain why I've been prank called like fifty times though.

[splinten]

He didn't propose? Holy shit, has he learned nothing from his romcoms?

Make him do the Love, Actually thing with the poster board.

[Dirk sits down beside Dave and glances briefly at him.]

Is that your fiance? [He can't believe Karkat. He doesn't know what happened, but he knows it must be really stupid.]

[parodeity]

Ok let's assume I fell asleep during every rendition of Love, Actually and explain the reference.

[ because

there was no way he was staying awake through that? ]

Yeah, he's tryin' to bribe me with handholding action in order to stop me from gettin' the details from URSULA re: who is getting married. [ :|a dave promptly tries to see how much of a deal he can get out of not talking to URSULA before revealing dirk told him anyway, because he's a shit. ]

[splinten]

It's super shitty, but you need the reference point. [So Dirk goes digging, skims through the file, and shows Dave the clip. Obviously Dirk stays awake through the entirety of all movies so he can insult them better. It's a tough job but someone has to do it.]

You better be negotiating up from handholding. [Come on, Dave? Dirk knows you're a cheating jackass. You can up the stakes.]

[parodeity]

Huh. [ HE HAS SO MANY QUESTIONS mostly related to "who thinks up this stuff" "karkat loves this film, doesn't he" ] Idk if it's over the top enough for me. Where's my song and dance number???

[ wow this is such a bullshit accusation that is entirely accurate ]

I'm negotiating away from Julia Roberts, because fuck that?

[splinten]

You could have him do the routine from But I'm A Cheerleader. He wouldn't understand the cultural context of homophobia and gender identity behind that film, but you'd get Karkat waving around pompoms so it has to be considered worth it in the long run.

[He gives a nod on Dave's choice: don't watch Julia Roberts. That's not a thing you do. Negotiate for better movies at all costs.]

[parodeity]

Jesus fucking christ. He'd probably kill himself if he tried any acrobatics, though. Like, both by stabbing himself and also by maybe falling over? Dude is not a Strider.

[ as in: dave's more likely to be able to pull off a cheerleading routine.

he's also more likely to attempt it. for irony. ]

Would I be your best man?

[splinten]

It isn't that hard a routine. Mostly waving around some pompoms. Unless you think he'll sprain his arms.

[The question, like most Dave questions, comes from nowhere. Dirk still has no issue answering.]

Of course you would be. Unless you wanted a different role? You'd get first offer for it either way.

[parodeity]

Nah, but I do think he'd throw the pompoms at me. ...Ineffectively.

[ because of course he would? dave seems to consider the answer for a second before saying: ]

BTW rant rant rant something about a medal being shoved so far up your ass you'll taste accomplishments for a week. [ dave, you're a terrible message-passer. ] Idk that there is a better role than best man except for like, minister. How'd you hear about this, anyway?

[splinten]

[He's just assuming Karkat means the Good Deeds medal which is hilarious? Like, wow. Okay.] Tell him that a taken man shouldn't be cheating on his future bride. [Fisting? For shame, Karkat.]

URSULA was gushing about it in excitement while Hinata and I tried to clean up Vantas's virus. [She's very happy, Dave.]

[parodeity]

Ok but if he responds with a super long rant I'm only summarizing.

[ BECAUSE HE'S A LAZY-ASS MESSENGER. ]

No more memes? I expect you to hand deliver me some from now on, then. I missed ridiculous spam.

[ is he serious. is he not serious. he's probably serious. ]

[splinten]

It's getting a toggle function. Look.

[Dirk remotely opens up Dave's communicator because fucking Dirk and shows Dave the option to turn "Meme Mode" on and off.]

Leave it on and the system will keep spamming you.

[parodeity]

Oh my god, this is the best?

[ OBVIOUSLY HE'S KEEPING THIS ON??? dave loves the memes he doesn't understand why people find them annoying.

he resolves to send people memes sometimes to bypass the toggle. and by people i mean rose. and like, hinata maybe. ]

Also Karkat says you don't know when to shut up, blah blah blah I'm a ranty asshole, etc.

[splinten]

I figured it was a waste to just remove it completely.

[Poor Hinata. Dave's digging his own grave with Rose though.]

Sounds like Karkat. You didn't confirm that I get to be best man. [COME ON DAVE HE HAS TO KNOW.]

[parodeity]

It'd be a total waste? I don't get why everyone was so annoyed tbh.

[ LIKE. WHERE IS THEIR TASTE? ]

Co-best man.

[splinten]

It did some serious damage to URSULA's programming but no one else was aware of that. [Dirk's poor AI .... thing. Daughter. Either way, he fixed it up.]

Co-best man is good. [He assumes John will be the other best man and he respects that John is Dave's best bro, which is a very important position.]

[parodeity]

She's ok, though? [ a small brow furrow because ok the memes were funny but he didn't want ursula to actually get hurt or anything??? ]

[splinten]

She's fine. Just try to impress on Vantas not to pull that kind of thing again. Roxy and I are still working on debugging her from what previous programmers did to her. It will be easier if he isn't introducing more viruses to her programming.

[Dirk is calm about it—actually calm, not just the seeming appearance of calm because Dirk is emotionally unexpressive—so it probably isn't a major problem, but he is taking it seriously.]

[parodeity]

Yeah, I'll try, though honestly just revoke his right to mess with her code? He's a shitty programmer. Like. A really, really shitty programmer. I am fairly certain he has blown himself up before, with programming.

[ he loves karkat and all but

shitty programmer ]

He's worse than John who I'm p sure is also terribad? Not that I know a shit ton about coding but from his frustration and results I'm pretty sure he sucks ass.

[splinten]

I'll ask her to keep them both out of it. [He leans back, which shifts from relaxed to a bit dragged down by something.] I appreciate Naoko's Doritos, but if she's anything like past Lead Programmers for URSULA I don't want her touching our AI. Or building any of her own, for that matter. These people are not nice to their programs.

[parodeity]

How so?

[ he assumes dirk has specifics here, and he's frowning a bit more readily now because honestly...dave likes ursula? sure, she wants them to transform a planet and all, but that's not really her fault.

he likes to think that eventually she'll maybe think of things she wants to do instead of that. like her weird joy over the hotsprings. if he's capable of doing shit outside of what he was raised to do, surely their ai overlord can do the same. ]

[splinten]

[He pulls up his file so he can show Dave the clip:

"So he's my superior...?"
"That's right. He's not just some typical AI like you. He's better in every way. They say he's going to win this whole war."
"Oh! I wish I could meet him and learn from him."
"Me too. You're kind of junk, no offense. Seriously who coded you? A trained ape?"
"I'm sorry for the mess. There's nothing I can do about it."
"That's why you need us. Anyway, hopefully you won't meet ISHMAEL since it means he needed to come out to this place. That's a really bad day for us."
"Is it bad that I wish I could meet him anyway...?"
"Yeah, it is. Don't think like that. Remember to put a human's opinion before yours."
"Yes, sir. I hope ISHMAEL is never involved in your life."
"There you go. AIs are so agreeable. Must better than people."]

Lead Programmer Scott Presley, Presumed Dead. URSULA's creator seemed like a good enough dude, but these people act like assholes.

[parodeity]

...Well fuck that guy with a rusty spork. We need to like, establish our unshakable hierarchy with URSULA here because clearly none of these idiots know how a team works.

[ say what you will about these idiots AT LEAST THEY ALL WORK TOGETHER AND ARE NICE ]

[splinten]

I already filled out the paperwork for Lead Programmer, and only Systems Operator, Acting or Command Captain, and Captain are above that. If any of those show up alive I'll fill out the paperwork for someone on crew.

[Oh yeah. Actually.]

I'm a gainfully employed member of society now by the way. The system has slotted me in cogwise.

[No.]