parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

Yeah, I'll try, though honestly just revoke his right to mess with her code? He's a shitty programmer. Like. A really, really shitty programmer. I am fairly certain he has blown himself up before, with programming.

[ he loves karkat and all but

shitty programmer ]

He's worse than John who I'm p sure is also terribad? Not that I know a shit ton about coding but from his frustration and results I'm pretty sure he sucks ass.

I'll ask her to keep them both out of it. [He leans back, which shifts from relaxed to a bit dragged down by something.] I appreciate Naoko's Doritos, but if she's anything like past Lead Programmers for URSULA I don't want her touching our AI. Or building any of her own, for that matter. These people are not nice to their programs.

How so?

[ he assumes dirk has specifics here, and he's frowning a bit more readily now because honestly...dave likes ursula? sure, she wants them to transform a planet and all, but that's not really her fault.

he likes to think that eventually she'll maybe think of things she wants to do instead of that. like her weird joy over the hotsprings. if he's capable of doing shit outside of what he was raised to do, surely their ai overlord can do the same. ]

[He pulls up his file so he can show Dave the clip:

"So he's my superior...?"
"That's right. He's not just some typical AI like you. He's better in every way. They say he's going to win this whole war."
"Oh! I wish I could meet him and learn from him."
"Me too. You're kind of junk, no offense. Seriously who coded you? A trained ape?"
"I'm sorry for the mess. There's nothing I can do about it."
"That's why you need us. Anyway, hopefully you won't meet ISHMAEL since it means he needed to come out to this place. That's a really bad day for us."
"Is it bad that I wish I could meet him anyway...?"
"Yeah, it is. Don't think like that. Remember to put a human's opinion before yours."
"Yes, sir. I hope ISHMAEL is never involved in your life."
"There you go. AIs are so agreeable. Must better than people."]

Lead Programmer Scott Presley, Presumed Dead. URSULA's creator seemed like a good enough dude, but these people act like assholes.

...Well fuck that guy with a rusty spork. We need to like, establish our unshakable hierarchy with URSULA here because clearly none of these idiots know how a team works.

[ say what you will about these idiots AT LEAST THEY ALL WORK TOGETHER AND ARE NICE ]

I already filled out the paperwork for Lead Programmer, and only Systems Operator, Acting or Command Captain, and Captain are above that. If any of those show up alive I'll fill out the paperwork for someone on crew.

[Oh yeah. Actually.]

I'm a gainfully employed member of society now by the way. The system has slotted me in cogwise.

[No.]

[ ... ]

Dude I want an official crew job? Do you think I could be like, Official DJ.

Given that URSULA is responsible for assessing qualifications and assigning the jobs I'm reasonably confident you could be Official anything. You should ask her. [because he's pretty sure she'll love giving dave a job tbh]

I'm totally askin' her.

[ IN THE MORNING WHEN LUCY IS MORE AWAKE but hey what's this dave bursts into laughter after checking his phone again. he usually just kind of snorts or snickers but. whatever karkat is doing made him legitimately crack up.

karkat is like a television show that never stops? ]

Anyway what made you start on fixin' the meme thing after this long?

First share the comedy gold.

[You can't legit laugh out loud like that and not share with the family?]

Oh, uh, idk if you'll find it funny?

[ but it's just these last few texts because. it's too easy to picture karkat screaming this shit at him and he's waiting for karkat to realize what he said. ]

I annoyed him into flipping what he was sayin' around, as per usual.

[Dirk doesn't laugh, but there is at least a flicker of amusement. Look at that! A sliver of emotion betrayed already. Good job, Karkat.]

And the records all said you didn't know shit about sports. [Clearly, Dave is a master of the greatest sport of all: Karkat-baiting.]

Going back to your question, they seem to genuinely bother Hinata and he asked me to help him get rid of them.

I guess this is my version of livin' dangerously?

[ baiting a real live snapping turtle in troll form

someday he will lose a hand at this ]

Oh, got it. He seems p level-headed...kinda weird considerin' the criteria for crew seems to be ridiculous otherwise. I'm impressed with his committal to bein' sane.

[It makes sense. Dirk considers the comment about Hinata.]

He has his own quirks. [That conversation about Hope's Peak has left him with some questions about Hinata.] He plays a good straight man to the rest of us though.

Which is important, because we def need a -

[ pause

and then dave just starts laughing again only this time he doesn't stop.

wtf jake and karkat???????

dave it's rude as shit to talk to someone while you're texting someone else you loser ]

[This time Dirk just holds his hand out. Let him see.]

[ ok dave hands over his device easily enough while still chuckling, so behold the pillow talk reveal in all its glory dave finds this. way too entertaining.

he apparently wasn't even remotely concerned about karkat having pillow talk with someone else but immediately started laughing after confirming that was what karkat said because

these idiots ]

[...Yup that's it Dirk's gone, Dirk is laughing. Holy fucking shit. So stupid.]

[ luckily it is just the two of them (and ursula) around as they sit there just. laughing at jake and karkat from afar? because wow so uncool, guys.

dave does eventually manage to talk instead of laugh, but ]

Why are they so dumb oh my god.

[He hopes URSULA is also having a good laugh at this. So great. God.]

I don't have the faintest idea but I hope they never fuckin' stop.

I assume Jake has the excuse of being ye olde even though he apparently watched all these modern flicks, but I have no idea how Karkat didn't know this one except. Troll.

[ ... ]

I cannot believe they have Strider-free gossip sessions oh my god this is the best day ever.

[It is pretty charming. And hilarious it's called pillow talk. That's so Jake.]

He once tried to convince me that 'boner' was a still-current term for an embarrassing screw-up.

[Which is hilarious. But really... He's happy? Jake is making a friend. He's making terrible mistakes in his terminology as always, but he's talking with someone and bonding with them. And having weird pillow talks with them, whatever. He needs more people to be close to.]

[ oh my god jake??????? ]

That cannot be a way that word was actually used. Can it? Wtf. Why are all these old-timey sayings all inappropriate as shit, that's the best?

Up until the 1950s.

[Actually. He's sure this is somewhere, because he knows it's a meme. He searches through the files for a moment and: a collection of iconic Batman comic panels for Dave's edification, sent to his communicator.]

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