[He'll wait for Dave to figure out how to take off his own shoes like an adult then, jesus. But he sort of shakes his head even as he's reaching for his phone to flick on some background noise. It's a low volume and it's not him playing but it's nice to have.]
Right, I forgot you are technically an adult when I carried your stubborn ass back here and also when you whined at me about taking a nap a few weeks ago.
[ it’d be easier with hands but he eventually manages and kicks them. off the bed if he isn’t under covers already or they just get trapped in the bed if he is. the cat has priority. ]
I wasn’t done talkin’ to you and I never whined about taking a nap!
[Dont leave your shoes in his bed what the fuck? He’ll kick Dave’s shoes out of the bed and just drop another blanket on him because this is stupid. ]
Really? Because I remember having to sit on your legs to work on an essay because you were still being too stubborn. And you could keep talking to me here. What a concept.
I’ve spent more of my lifetimes babysitting you than the reverse, shut the hell up. [ he shifts to his side, carefully transferring mewpac to the bed. he watches the cat. ] You aren’t that dense. Do you get something out of sleeping with me or not?
Ha. Ha. [Mewpac settles between them but she faces Dave and purrs at him like the traitor she is. John on the other hand is staring at the ceiling.]
...yeah, you could say that. I like to think this is mutually beneficial and maybe that’s weird but I have sort of accepted my friendship with you has always bordered on being a little weird.
Of course I do. [His arms are folded behind his head and Dave can pet the kitten and everything about this situation is not weird in the slightest.] Moreso in recent nights than before, but yeah. I do. So I don't mind like...staying up, bullshitting about stuff, letting my brain wind down a little. I think maybe I think too much sometimes especially lately. It's not...always nightmares, it is lately, but it's not always that.
Dave. You do know you cannot take full responsibility for things I do or do not do, don’t you? I am also an adult, believe it or not. [A hand reaches up to lightly pat him on the head.] It’s okay. I would actually prefer you fall asleep first since you sleep way less than I do.
- I don't think you can quantify relationships with other people as typical or normal or not. Not, like, easily. It's one of the really shitty things about social aspects of life, like...there aren't rules. What's fine for person a and person b and what they like in a relationship might be total no-gos for person c. And person d might want something else entirely? It's not like you can pull up a list of movies and go "this is how this is always portrayed, therefore it is the right way to do it" because movies are all bias confirmation about things like that in a way, because the people who make movies are frequently pretty similar or have to conform to certain similarities - that's an entirely different argument, sorry, guess it doesn't matter.
[ he's losing track of the point. ]
But if you go by the pop culture metric, then probably not. You haven't woken me up at like three am to discuss somethin' stupid since we were kids, probably. Or called me to rescue you from - whatever. I don't think we talk to one another the way we're "supposed" to but while I do like talkin' I don't often manage it about anything serious and I find that other modes of communication work better anyway. As long as the other person knows the correct version of morse code? But I think maybe the parts of the best friend experience that matter aren't the checklist of what you do or don't do, but more whether or not you...help or not. Whether or not you can support someone and care about them the right way, and if you being there helps them, even if it's...not the right way. I dunno.
[ he circles back to: ]
Basically, I just want you to wake me up to talk at night if you can't sleep, though.
Not a bad way. [But he listens to all of that, patiently waiting as Dave rambles and he can’t help when he grins a little. This is better. The chatty Dave that tries to tell him things. He prefers this and while his hand is on Dave’s head his fingers move to massage his scalp a bit.]
I get it. I will wake you up at stupid hours if I can’t sleep. [He takes all of that into account.] ...so like. You know you being around in general helps a lot, don’t you? Is the reverse true though?
[ ANOTHER BRIEF SIGH. he shifts mewpac over to john's chest so he can shift closer, figuring if john can fucking princess carry him on a whim maybe dave can count that as payment against moving over to rest his head on john's shoulder. ]
I'll try to believe you. [ about helping. ] ...You dream about bein' alone, mostly, when you have nightmares, right?
[Well. He's not going to move him, so he takes Mewpac to lay on his chest and allows Dave to lay on his shoulder, hand still working into his scalp at a slow and relaxing pace.]
Trying is what I ask for at this point. [Given he's starting to notice Dave's self-worth is awful.] ...but yeah. All the time. Which is a really stupid thing to dream about since I have people around and stuff.
[He doesn't reply immediately because he doesn't quite know how to reply, really. He has a lot of things he's afraid of now that he's pushed past as accepting and he doesn't know which part Dave's looking for. He settles for just petting Dave's hair instead of the cat on his chest while he thinks that through.]
This life? Falling out of that goddamn treehouse because I was too dumb to realize Dad wasn't coming back and I couldn't stop it. That life? Seeing the universe cracked and knowing what that means. The parallels, I think, are coming across things that I didn't have any kind of warning for, couldn't stop, and couldn't fix because nobody had answers. I'm eighteen and Nanna still won't tell me where my dad went. I think she knows. She just won't say so. And I finally figured out what happened. I zapped back to the universe being shattered. I don't know where I was before that.
...I think, maybe, the worst thing that could happen is being at the wrong place at the wrong time and unable to stop things from happening. [Dad from leaving. His friends from dying. All of that.] And it's stupid to say that they haunt me or whatever since I'm not even sure I understand all of it, but it's like. Ghost emotions, which also sounds stupid? Like you can feel what your other self felt even without living it yourself.
There are other things, but I suppose that's the thing I think of first.
[ this is why the cat likes dave better. he is petting her as he lays there. ]
It doesn't sound stupid. I mean - you can feel it. All of it. Physical and emotional. It's a trip? But, like. You've seen...some shit I dream about, but the thing is - the thing I dream about -
...if you feel like telling me, yeah. Of course. [Hes seen enough of Dave’s dreams that he has to wonder what could be worse, but he’s not stupid enough to say no when Dave feels like talking for once.]
[ his sharing moods only pop up every so often, MAY AS WELL CAPITALIZE ON THEM, good call john. dave is still silent for a few minutes before he begins. ]
The worst memory I have is from back then. I told Yuri, and a guy I don't fuckin' know for the sake of a stupid square on an application. I didn't tell the third person who knew. So - I guess about one person knows? I don't know. I didn't go into specifics with the other guy I kinda brought it up with.
[ there is...probably a point? ]
But there's this thing I dream about sometimes. It's on the rooftop, and the Jacks are there, and Terezi, and it's not always him with the cane and the sword at his throat, you know? Sometimes it's Rose, or you, or Jade, or Anya, or Chiyo - it changes. When it happened, he - Dirk - got pinned in by the stupid fucking murder Jacks, and he'd already died like - stupid, he died at least once in that fight and we had to flip timelines, he always made the dumbest tactical decisions in that fight I think? - but he looked at me and I knew exactly what he wanted me to do and I didn't hesitate. She wasn't wrong - Dream Rose, me, whatever - I knew what he wanted to do and I took off three heads in one go and it wasn't even actually hard. You just have to calculate the trajectory and be goin' fast enough and make sure the angle is right, and you can break most swords, and metal shit, and you can slice through bone. It's not difficult.
[ it feels like it should be physically more difficult than it was. he's speaking conversationally, quietly. ]
There's a lot of blood when you do, and the heads fall off, but yeah. Sometimes I have to kill everyone in my dreams, a lot, and then I wake up and my first reaction is always the stupid useless one from a different life and everyone's grayed out and you know how they linger sometimes? Sometimes dreams linger, and you think it happened for a few seconds, and the grayed out names make it a little more real even when it isn't, and you can't breathe.
[ what was his point. fuck. ]
...But sometimes I wake up, and you're here, and that snaps the logic into place quicker.
[He's silent for a long time. He doesn't say anything about it, letting Dave talk and probably the horrifying part is that a.) he can picture it after first hand experience with the Jacks, and b.) Dave sounds so detached from it despite the fact this is something that terrifies him in his dreams enough that he hasn't ever admitted it before. Dave can pet Mewpac and John continues fiddling with Dave's hair because it's there, and he thinks about what he's saying.
Having to kill people in your dreams and waking up to find that they don't remember or they're not there must be horrifying.]
An anchor, basically. Something to keep you from drifting too far out in your dreams. [He doesn't like that these are Dave's dreams, but what can he do about it?] That's why you wanted to sleep with me? [Immediately snapping logic into place. Familiarity. Is it possible to have PTSD from memories that are from a past life? He has a lot of questions.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Right, I forgot you are technically an adult when I carried your stubborn ass back here and also when you whined at me about taking a nap a few weeks ago.
no subject
I wasn’t done talkin’ to you and I never whined about taking a nap!
no subject
Really? Because I remember having to sit on your legs to work on an essay because you were still being too stubborn. And you could keep talking to me here. What a concept.
no subject
[ alternative facts... ]
...do you actually get somethin’ out of this, Egbert?
no subject
no subject
no subject
...yeah, you could say that. I like to think this is mutually beneficial and maybe that’s weird but I have sort of accepted my friendship with you has always bordered on being a little weird.
no subject
I could say that how? Does it or doesn’t it?? Does it - do you even have trouble sleeping?
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
[ a frown. it's not a thing he frequently does and now he's...worried...about it... ]
no subject
no subject
[ he adds after a second: ]
That's actually part of the best friend experience, you realize.
no subject
no subject
[ but okay. fine. he sighs. ]
- I don't think you can quantify relationships with other people as typical or normal or not. Not, like, easily. It's one of the really shitty things about social aspects of life, like...there aren't rules. What's fine for person a and person b and what they like in a relationship might be total no-gos for person c. And person d might want something else entirely? It's not like you can pull up a list of movies and go "this is how this is always portrayed, therefore it is the right way to do it" because movies are all bias confirmation about things like that in a way, because the people who make movies are frequently pretty similar or have to conform to certain similarities - that's an entirely different argument, sorry, guess it doesn't matter.
[ he's losing track of the point. ]
But if you go by the pop culture metric, then probably not. You haven't woken me up at like three am to discuss somethin' stupid since we were kids, probably. Or called me to rescue you from - whatever. I don't think we talk to one another the way we're "supposed" to but while I do like talkin' I don't often manage it about anything serious and I find that other modes of communication work better anyway. As long as the other person knows the correct version of morse code? But I think maybe the parts of the best friend experience that matter aren't the checklist of what you do or don't do, but more whether or not you...help or not. Whether or not you can support someone and care about them the right way, and if you being there helps them, even if it's...not the right way. I dunno.
[ he circles back to: ]
Basically, I just want you to wake me up to talk at night if you can't sleep, though.
no subject
I get it. I will wake you up at stupid hours if I can’t sleep. [He takes all of that into account.] ...so like. You know you being around in general helps a lot, don’t you? Is the reverse true though?
no subject
I'll try to believe you. [ about helping. ] ...You dream about bein' alone, mostly, when you have nightmares, right?
[ is that an answer, or... ]
no subject
Trying is what I ask for at this point. [Given he's starting to notice Dave's self-worth is awful.] ...but yeah. All the time. Which is a really stupid thing to dream about since I have people around and stuff.
no subject
[ he...presumably has a point here. ]
Is it that?
no subject
This life? Falling out of that goddamn treehouse because I was too dumb to realize Dad wasn't coming back and I couldn't stop it. That life? Seeing the universe cracked and knowing what that means. The parallels, I think, are coming across things that I didn't have any kind of warning for, couldn't stop, and couldn't fix because nobody had answers. I'm eighteen and Nanna still won't tell me where my dad went. I think she knows. She just won't say so. And I finally figured out what happened. I zapped back to the universe being shattered. I don't know where I was before that.
...I think, maybe, the worst thing that could happen is being at the wrong place at the wrong time and unable to stop things from happening. [Dad from leaving. His friends from dying. All of that.] And it's stupid to say that they haunt me or whatever since I'm not even sure I understand all of it, but it's like. Ghost emotions, which also sounds stupid? Like you can feel what your other self felt even without living it yourself.
There are other things, but I suppose that's the thing I think of first.
no subject
It doesn't sound stupid. I mean - you can feel it. All of it. Physical and emotional. It's a trip? But, like. You've seen...some shit I dream about, but the thing is - the thing I dream about -
[ besides bro, besides his own death, forever - ]
Do you want to hear what my worst memory is?
no subject
no subject
The worst memory I have is from back then. I told Yuri, and a guy I don't fuckin' know for the sake of a stupid square on an application. I didn't tell the third person who knew. So - I guess about one person knows? I don't know. I didn't go into specifics with the other guy I kinda brought it up with.
[ there is...probably a point? ]
But there's this thing I dream about sometimes. It's on the rooftop, and the Jacks are there, and Terezi, and it's not always him with the cane and the sword at his throat, you know? Sometimes it's Rose, or you, or Jade, or Anya, or Chiyo - it changes. When it happened, he - Dirk - got pinned in by the stupid fucking murder Jacks, and he'd already died like - stupid, he died at least once in that fight and we had to flip timelines, he always made the dumbest tactical decisions in that fight I think? - but he looked at me and I knew exactly what he wanted me to do and I didn't hesitate. She wasn't wrong - Dream Rose, me, whatever - I knew what he wanted to do and I took off three heads in one go and it wasn't even actually hard. You just have to calculate the trajectory and be goin' fast enough and make sure the angle is right, and you can break most swords, and metal shit, and you can slice through bone. It's not difficult.
[ it feels like it should be physically more difficult than it was. he's speaking conversationally, quietly. ]
There's a lot of blood when you do, and the heads fall off, but yeah. Sometimes I have to kill everyone in my dreams, a lot, and then I wake up and my first reaction is always the stupid useless one from a different life and everyone's grayed out and you know how they linger sometimes? Sometimes dreams linger, and you think it happened for a few seconds, and the grayed out names make it a little more real even when it isn't, and you can't breathe.
[ what was his point. fuck. ]
...But sometimes I wake up, and you're here, and that snaps the logic into place quicker.
no subject
Having to kill people in your dreams and waking up to find that they don't remember or they're not there must be horrifying.]
An anchor, basically. Something to keep you from drifting too far out in your dreams. [He doesn't like that these are Dave's dreams, but what can he do about it?] That's why you wanted to sleep with me? [Immediately snapping logic into place. Familiarity. Is it possible to have PTSD from memories that are from a past life? He has a lot of questions.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)