Of course I do. [His arms are folded behind his head and Dave can pet the kitten and everything about this situation is not weird in the slightest.] Moreso in recent nights than before, but yeah. I do. So I don't mind like...staying up, bullshitting about stuff, letting my brain wind down a little. I think maybe I think too much sometimes especially lately. It's not...always nightmares, it is lately, but it's not always that.
Dave. You do know you cannot take full responsibility for things I do or do not do, don’t you? I am also an adult, believe it or not. [A hand reaches up to lightly pat him on the head.] It’s okay. I would actually prefer you fall asleep first since you sleep way less than I do.
- I don't think you can quantify relationships with other people as typical or normal or not. Not, like, easily. It's one of the really shitty things about social aspects of life, like...there aren't rules. What's fine for person a and person b and what they like in a relationship might be total no-gos for person c. And person d might want something else entirely? It's not like you can pull up a list of movies and go "this is how this is always portrayed, therefore it is the right way to do it" because movies are all bias confirmation about things like that in a way, because the people who make movies are frequently pretty similar or have to conform to certain similarities - that's an entirely different argument, sorry, guess it doesn't matter.
[ he's losing track of the point. ]
But if you go by the pop culture metric, then probably not. You haven't woken me up at like three am to discuss somethin' stupid since we were kids, probably. Or called me to rescue you from - whatever. I don't think we talk to one another the way we're "supposed" to but while I do like talkin' I don't often manage it about anything serious and I find that other modes of communication work better anyway. As long as the other person knows the correct version of morse code? But I think maybe the parts of the best friend experience that matter aren't the checklist of what you do or don't do, but more whether or not you...help or not. Whether or not you can support someone and care about them the right way, and if you being there helps them, even if it's...not the right way. I dunno.
[ he circles back to: ]
Basically, I just want you to wake me up to talk at night if you can't sleep, though.
Not a bad way. [But he listens to all of that, patiently waiting as Dave rambles and he can’t help when he grins a little. This is better. The chatty Dave that tries to tell him things. He prefers this and while his hand is on Dave’s head his fingers move to massage his scalp a bit.]
I get it. I will wake you up at stupid hours if I can’t sleep. [He takes all of that into account.] ...so like. You know you being around in general helps a lot, don’t you? Is the reverse true though?
[ ANOTHER BRIEF SIGH. he shifts mewpac over to john's chest so he can shift closer, figuring if john can fucking princess carry him on a whim maybe dave can count that as payment against moving over to rest his head on john's shoulder. ]
I'll try to believe you. [ about helping. ] ...You dream about bein' alone, mostly, when you have nightmares, right?
[Well. He's not going to move him, so he takes Mewpac to lay on his chest and allows Dave to lay on his shoulder, hand still working into his scalp at a slow and relaxing pace.]
Trying is what I ask for at this point. [Given he's starting to notice Dave's self-worth is awful.] ...but yeah. All the time. Which is a really stupid thing to dream about since I have people around and stuff.
[He doesn't reply immediately because he doesn't quite know how to reply, really. He has a lot of things he's afraid of now that he's pushed past as accepting and he doesn't know which part Dave's looking for. He settles for just petting Dave's hair instead of the cat on his chest while he thinks that through.]
This life? Falling out of that goddamn treehouse because I was too dumb to realize Dad wasn't coming back and I couldn't stop it. That life? Seeing the universe cracked and knowing what that means. The parallels, I think, are coming across things that I didn't have any kind of warning for, couldn't stop, and couldn't fix because nobody had answers. I'm eighteen and Nanna still won't tell me where my dad went. I think she knows. She just won't say so. And I finally figured out what happened. I zapped back to the universe being shattered. I don't know where I was before that.
...I think, maybe, the worst thing that could happen is being at the wrong place at the wrong time and unable to stop things from happening. [Dad from leaving. His friends from dying. All of that.] And it's stupid to say that they haunt me or whatever since I'm not even sure I understand all of it, but it's like. Ghost emotions, which also sounds stupid? Like you can feel what your other self felt even without living it yourself.
There are other things, but I suppose that's the thing I think of first.
[ this is why the cat likes dave better. he is petting her as he lays there. ]
It doesn't sound stupid. I mean - you can feel it. All of it. Physical and emotional. It's a trip? But, like. You've seen...some shit I dream about, but the thing is - the thing I dream about -
...if you feel like telling me, yeah. Of course. [Hes seen enough of Dave’s dreams that he has to wonder what could be worse, but he’s not stupid enough to say no when Dave feels like talking for once.]
[ his sharing moods only pop up every so often, MAY AS WELL CAPITALIZE ON THEM, good call john. dave is still silent for a few minutes before he begins. ]
The worst memory I have is from back then. I told Yuri, and a guy I don't fuckin' know for the sake of a stupid square on an application. I didn't tell the third person who knew. So - I guess about one person knows? I don't know. I didn't go into specifics with the other guy I kinda brought it up with.
[ there is...probably a point? ]
But there's this thing I dream about sometimes. It's on the rooftop, and the Jacks are there, and Terezi, and it's not always him with the cane and the sword at his throat, you know? Sometimes it's Rose, or you, or Jade, or Anya, or Chiyo - it changes. When it happened, he - Dirk - got pinned in by the stupid fucking murder Jacks, and he'd already died like - stupid, he died at least once in that fight and we had to flip timelines, he always made the dumbest tactical decisions in that fight I think? - but he looked at me and I knew exactly what he wanted me to do and I didn't hesitate. She wasn't wrong - Dream Rose, me, whatever - I knew what he wanted to do and I took off three heads in one go and it wasn't even actually hard. You just have to calculate the trajectory and be goin' fast enough and make sure the angle is right, and you can break most swords, and metal shit, and you can slice through bone. It's not difficult.
[ it feels like it should be physically more difficult than it was. he's speaking conversationally, quietly. ]
There's a lot of blood when you do, and the heads fall off, but yeah. Sometimes I have to kill everyone in my dreams, a lot, and then I wake up and my first reaction is always the stupid useless one from a different life and everyone's grayed out and you know how they linger sometimes? Sometimes dreams linger, and you think it happened for a few seconds, and the grayed out names make it a little more real even when it isn't, and you can't breathe.
[ what was his point. fuck. ]
...But sometimes I wake up, and you're here, and that snaps the logic into place quicker.
[He's silent for a long time. He doesn't say anything about it, letting Dave talk and probably the horrifying part is that a.) he can picture it after first hand experience with the Jacks, and b.) Dave sounds so detached from it despite the fact this is something that terrifies him in his dreams enough that he hasn't ever admitted it before. Dave can pet Mewpac and John continues fiddling with Dave's hair because it's there, and he thinks about what he's saying.
Having to kill people in your dreams and waking up to find that they don't remember or they're not there must be horrifying.]
An anchor, basically. Something to keep you from drifting too far out in your dreams. [He doesn't like that these are Dave's dreams, but what can he do about it?] That's why you wanted to sleep with me? [Immediately snapping logic into place. Familiarity. Is it possible to have PTSD from memories that are from a past life? He has a lot of questions.]
[ like yes there is no way dave doesn't have ptsd after how many deaths both his and other people's, killing his brother, time player bullshit, and child abuse, thanks homestuck what the fuck. ]
...Yeah, more or less. I don't find it easy to sleep, either, and you help with that, too. Having someone around who can watch my back. Whatever.
[ that sounds too flippant for what he admitted but okay. ]
[Please save Dave Strider. Again, he says nothing while methodically moving his fingers over Dave's head and maybe someday Dave will realize it's partially because he's hoping it's soothing but also as a physical reminder that things are real. As it is, he doesn't reply just yet. when he does, there's a tiny laugh, not quite amused but acknowledging.]
You tell me things like that and I think about how dumb my own fears are. Being alone and forgotten isn't really...[A shrug. He never mentioned the "forgotten" part, but there it is.] I'm glad though? Even if it only sometimes helps. [Dave said sometimes. John's not stupid enough to think it's a surefire fix.] ...have you ever thought about talking to someone about all of this? [Like a therapist, he means.]
No. [ and he's passive and cagey sometimes but there's pure steel in that statement, calm and secure. everything else shuffles back behind the wall. maybe he should talk to someone, but he isn't there yet and might not be ever.
he then marks that topic as done and shifts back to the other one. ]
[It was nice while it lasted, but he can at least tell that the no is "no, I'm not going to" rather than "no, I've never thought of it." So instead he keeps up with what he's doing. With his head on John's chest Dave's probably stuck rising and falling every time John breathes but he's still relaxed and comfortable.]
Makes one of us at least. Like I said, someday I'll get over it and stop counting down when people are going to leave. [...hm.] ...I do sort of wish these stupid beds were bigger though. [That is probably because they're not supposed to comfortably fit two people, but alas.]
not that dave would sleep further away unless he had. to. so why did he suggest this. he doesn't seem to care about the rising and falling thing since he's more interested in john's heartbeat.
he taps it out with his free hand, absently. ]
You know, I don't think your idea about a permanent thing for you would work that great, either. I mean, you'd know better than me, but.
[Just. Raising an eyebrow because that's a little gay, Dave. He's not arguing it and he's not saying anything about it but there's a shrug that basically says "eh" and he doesn't seem to bother moving Dave or stopping him from tapping out a rhythm.
...why isn't he stopping this, what the fuck? He suddenly seems to come to the realization that this is probably a little unusual but at the same time their circumstances are different than most people's. It probably doesn't matter. Yeah. This is just...it just is. He almost gets lost in his train of thought before he clues in that Dave's said something else.]
Because you bein' permanent to yourself doesn't seem to be your issue, either. I kind of get the feeling sometimes we have the same problem with permanence? Ink on your skin is fine, whatever, but a thing staying isn't what you actually want, is it?
[ john was the one who was complaining about the beds and dave wasn't moving anyway? he very rarely lets himself hang off of people but john's been weirdly cuddly when they share beds so he's...assuming it is fine if he does it then.
this is really stupid but at least it means he is actively getting comfort from someone.
he keeps up the tempo, tapping it out. ]
A symbol is only a symbol. And it only has meanin' if it has what you want attached. Don't you want a person to stay, rather than a concept?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I could say that how? Does it or doesn’t it?? Does it - do you even have trouble sleeping?
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[ a frown. it's not a thing he frequently does and now he's...worried...about it... ]
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[ he adds after a second: ]
That's actually part of the best friend experience, you realize.
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[ but okay. fine. he sighs. ]
- I don't think you can quantify relationships with other people as typical or normal or not. Not, like, easily. It's one of the really shitty things about social aspects of life, like...there aren't rules. What's fine for person a and person b and what they like in a relationship might be total no-gos for person c. And person d might want something else entirely? It's not like you can pull up a list of movies and go "this is how this is always portrayed, therefore it is the right way to do it" because movies are all bias confirmation about things like that in a way, because the people who make movies are frequently pretty similar or have to conform to certain similarities - that's an entirely different argument, sorry, guess it doesn't matter.
[ he's losing track of the point. ]
But if you go by the pop culture metric, then probably not. You haven't woken me up at like three am to discuss somethin' stupid since we were kids, probably. Or called me to rescue you from - whatever. I don't think we talk to one another the way we're "supposed" to but while I do like talkin' I don't often manage it about anything serious and I find that other modes of communication work better anyway. As long as the other person knows the correct version of morse code? But I think maybe the parts of the best friend experience that matter aren't the checklist of what you do or don't do, but more whether or not you...help or not. Whether or not you can support someone and care about them the right way, and if you being there helps them, even if it's...not the right way. I dunno.
[ he circles back to: ]
Basically, I just want you to wake me up to talk at night if you can't sleep, though.
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I get it. I will wake you up at stupid hours if I can’t sleep. [He takes all of that into account.] ...so like. You know you being around in general helps a lot, don’t you? Is the reverse true though?
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I'll try to believe you. [ about helping. ] ...You dream about bein' alone, mostly, when you have nightmares, right?
[ is that an answer, or... ]
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Trying is what I ask for at this point. [Given he's starting to notice Dave's self-worth is awful.] ...but yeah. All the time. Which is a really stupid thing to dream about since I have people around and stuff.
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[ he...presumably has a point here. ]
Is it that?
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This life? Falling out of that goddamn treehouse because I was too dumb to realize Dad wasn't coming back and I couldn't stop it. That life? Seeing the universe cracked and knowing what that means. The parallels, I think, are coming across things that I didn't have any kind of warning for, couldn't stop, and couldn't fix because nobody had answers. I'm eighteen and Nanna still won't tell me where my dad went. I think she knows. She just won't say so. And I finally figured out what happened. I zapped back to the universe being shattered. I don't know where I was before that.
...I think, maybe, the worst thing that could happen is being at the wrong place at the wrong time and unable to stop things from happening. [Dad from leaving. His friends from dying. All of that.] And it's stupid to say that they haunt me or whatever since I'm not even sure I understand all of it, but it's like. Ghost emotions, which also sounds stupid? Like you can feel what your other self felt even without living it yourself.
There are other things, but I suppose that's the thing I think of first.
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It doesn't sound stupid. I mean - you can feel it. All of it. Physical and emotional. It's a trip? But, like. You've seen...some shit I dream about, but the thing is - the thing I dream about -
[ besides bro, besides his own death, forever - ]
Do you want to hear what my worst memory is?
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The worst memory I have is from back then. I told Yuri, and a guy I don't fuckin' know for the sake of a stupid square on an application. I didn't tell the third person who knew. So - I guess about one person knows? I don't know. I didn't go into specifics with the other guy I kinda brought it up with.
[ there is...probably a point? ]
But there's this thing I dream about sometimes. It's on the rooftop, and the Jacks are there, and Terezi, and it's not always him with the cane and the sword at his throat, you know? Sometimes it's Rose, or you, or Jade, or Anya, or Chiyo - it changes. When it happened, he - Dirk - got pinned in by the stupid fucking murder Jacks, and he'd already died like - stupid, he died at least once in that fight and we had to flip timelines, he always made the dumbest tactical decisions in that fight I think? - but he looked at me and I knew exactly what he wanted me to do and I didn't hesitate. She wasn't wrong - Dream Rose, me, whatever - I knew what he wanted to do and I took off three heads in one go and it wasn't even actually hard. You just have to calculate the trajectory and be goin' fast enough and make sure the angle is right, and you can break most swords, and metal shit, and you can slice through bone. It's not difficult.
[ it feels like it should be physically more difficult than it was. he's speaking conversationally, quietly. ]
There's a lot of blood when you do, and the heads fall off, but yeah. Sometimes I have to kill everyone in my dreams, a lot, and then I wake up and my first reaction is always the stupid useless one from a different life and everyone's grayed out and you know how they linger sometimes? Sometimes dreams linger, and you think it happened for a few seconds, and the grayed out names make it a little more real even when it isn't, and you can't breathe.
[ what was his point. fuck. ]
...But sometimes I wake up, and you're here, and that snaps the logic into place quicker.
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Having to kill people in your dreams and waking up to find that they don't remember or they're not there must be horrifying.]
An anchor, basically. Something to keep you from drifting too far out in your dreams. [He doesn't like that these are Dave's dreams, but what can he do about it?] That's why you wanted to sleep with me? [Immediately snapping logic into place. Familiarity. Is it possible to have PTSD from memories that are from a past life? He has a lot of questions.]
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...Yeah, more or less. I don't find it easy to sleep, either, and you help with that, too. Having someone around who can watch my back. Whatever.
[ that sounds too flippant for what he admitted but okay. ]
So, yeah. You help. To answer your question.
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You tell me things like that and I think about how dumb my own fears are. Being alone and forgotten isn't really...[A shrug. He never mentioned the "forgotten" part, but there it is.] I'm glad though? Even if it only sometimes helps. [Dave said sometimes. John's not stupid enough to think it's a surefire fix.] ...have you ever thought about talking to someone about all of this? [Like a therapist, he means.]
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he then marks that topic as done and shifts back to the other one. ]
I've never thought your fears were dumb.
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Makes one of us at least. Like I said, someday I'll get over it and stop counting down when people are going to leave. [...hm.] ...I do sort of wish these stupid beds were bigger though. [That is probably because they're not supposed to comfortably fit two people, but alas.]
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not that dave would sleep further away unless he had. to. so why did he suggest this. he doesn't seem to care about the rising and falling thing since he's more interested in john's heartbeat.
he taps it out with his free hand, absently. ]
You know, I don't think your idea about a permanent thing for you would work that great, either. I mean, you'd know better than me, but.
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...why isn't he stopping this, what the fuck? He suddenly seems to come to the realization that this is probably a little unusual but at the same time their circumstances are different than most people's. It probably doesn't matter. Yeah. This is just...it just is. He almost gets lost in his train of thought before he clues in that Dave's said something else.]
What? Oh. You don't think so? Why not?
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[ john was the one who was complaining about the beds and dave wasn't moving anyway? he very rarely lets himself hang off of people but john's been weirdly cuddly when they share beds so he's...assuming it is fine if he does it then.
this is really stupid but at least it means he is actively getting comfort from someone.
he keeps up the tempo, tapping it out. ]
A symbol is only a symbol. And it only has meanin' if it has what you want attached. Don't you want a person to stay, rather than a concept?
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