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[Dirk flashsteps to get the sword before Dave can on battle reflex and then is back to staring at Dave.]

What made you proud?

[Nope, not the intended first sentence. Shit. The blank look snaps and now we move to stoic flusterment.]

No. You said. Okay, cool. Thanks. We should hydrate.

[yeah he's smooth!]

I mean, yes, we should.

[ he's giving dirk a semi-amused fond look, though, although it looks neutral to...most people probably. ]

But if you want me to be specific, I can be? Did you want, like, a personal review.

[There is like. A full minute, and then some, of total silence while Dirk's desire not to be mocked by Dave does battle against his desire for this positive reinforcement, which is under siege from his self-loathing and hatred of his own narcissism. Somewhere in there, his desire for clear and direct critique would like to be heard, but the emotional cacophony is really taking up most of the battlefield.

Eventually, he manages something.]

If you think that would be helpful for my learning.

[Yeah. Got it.

All the armies fall into screaming and horror.]

[ dave crosses his arms, though it's not a closed-off gesture; he just tends to need his arms to be doing something. either crossed or his hands in his pockets or...whatever. the personal review remark had only been halfway teasing - it had also been a genuine offer, no matter how amused he was by the result of what he'd said earlier. ]

I think it's important to know what you do right. [ it's a weird concept for dave, but he's pretty sure - that's what he would like to make sure people know. when he's teaching them. sure, the things you do wrong are important to note and correct - but it's probably helpful to acknowledge when they're corrected, isn't it? there's a shiver of uncertainty for a millisecond before it evens out. he's usually pretty calm when he's doing these lessons; dave's not naturally confident at his core, but he at least learned through fire that he can fight. ]

Specifically, when I said it, I was thinkin' that your stance is way better than when we first started. You're a lot more on your toes about shit I might throw at you. [ because. he keeps doing that. lmao he has not even fully breached the amount of time bullshit he could do - even with dirk's soul senses, which make things interesting, dave is. stupid. ] You're not always defaultin' to offense when you could defend, instead.

If I'm not on my toes you do something incredibly annoying.

[This is not the response to positive feedback, Dirk. But. Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

Watch out! It's a flashstep forward as Dirk goes for—a quick hug, by his standards, which is because he's still shy and flustered.]

Thanks.

To keep you on your toes.

[ okay you say it's quick, but dave's flashstep fast too and he immediately attempts to return the hug so how fast are you going to try to get out of it, dirk? ]

Well, it's true? So. I - well I'd say I thought I should say it but as usual with most things I say I just kinda thought it and said it immediately sans consideration.

I do not mind you being proud of me without consideration.

[FINE HE'S IN A HUG NOW he was trying to be dignified about this? He was trying to have no silly nonsense here. You didn't let that happen though.]

[ yeah whatever dirk dave will just slot his chin on dirk's shoulder this is going to be a thing until dirk steps off? ]

Ok, well I guess maybe I should say so when I am more often if you find it this surprisin', was my point. I mean, I had a point. I didn't even try to make that point, did I.

[He can't??? step off??? if Dave is hugging him, though? Like that's a wild idea.]

Not initially. [Hm. This makes him wonder.] Do I tell you I'm proud of you enough? It's a recurring concern of mine that you find my attempts to express that condescending or unappealing.

[ oh. it's really stupid that genuine family bullshit is enough to make dave's heart nearly stop, but hey. it's not something he was ever prepared to deal with for most of his life.

dirk has never explicitly said the words i'm proud of you even if dave's edged around the idea that it might be true in the space of his own mind. it's a weird alien idea, that any iteration of his brother might actually look at him and not find him wanting to the point he's proud. ]

You've never said it like that. You...say you think things I do are the right kind of cool sometimes, or that you respect a decision, or...that you think things I do were the right idea or a good idea. Is...there an instance where I made you think you sayin' those things was either condescendin' or unappealin'?

[Well now they get both to be awkward, so at least Dirk's taking Dave down with him. It's a comfort.]

It's, uh... some of the choices you made in the past few months, where you acknowledged things that were issues and took necessary steps to respond to them. Once or twice I've tried to express support of them and it's gone... badly. And I can see how saying I'm proud of your development in terms of handling problems you have and taking steps to progress further could be unwanted, and then obviously saying I'm proud of you for wanting to learn things or deciding you'd like to pursue the peaceful path even where it's difficult, sort of implies I have any right to be proud of you, which maybe I don't, so—

[Yeah. He should stop. Wow, Dave's shoulder sure is comfortable.]

It's something I worry about how to express or if it's even appropriate to do so.

[ he's trying to think of the possibilities. when was dirk proud of him, and when did he react badly? when dirk said it was good he moved out, maybe? it hadn't been i'm proud of you and dave hadn't remotely taken it that way.

dirk's shoulder is comfortable, too, but dave actually pulls away and takes a half step back so he can look dirk in the face. he never fights shades off so those are still on and he has to like, actually let go of dirk entirely to reach up and take them off, because it's still the most useful indicator of sincerity when he's still so fucking bad at it. someday maybe he'll be able to use it on other people who aren't dirk, but dave kind of fucking doubts it. even talking with rose on the volcano his shades had been firmly on. maybe if bro hadn't put him in shades from day zero. ]

You do. I mean, you don't have to be proud of me fuck knows I wouldn't be proud of me, but you - [ he still has complicated feelings about dirk not being his and its tangled up in not quite buying he's allowed to have any of this, in addition to time shit, in addition to bro shit, but - ] Your opinion matters to me. A lot. Which I think is all the right you need to express it?

[ not that he's really sure about it. but whatever. dave lifts one shoulder, lets it drop. ]

You got the same rights I do on that topic, basically, I think? But, um. Example wise. Was that time when you told me you thought it was good that I moved out and I snapped at you to...not. Say that. Was that time one of the examples of times you were tryin' to express it that made you think...this.

[Dirk mutters it into Dave's shoulder now. He feels ashamed of it now, ashamed for upsetting Dave like that.] That was a time, yeah.

[ ok no dirk you are ruining the point of taking his shades off if he can't see you? so he will jostle dirk a little to get him to like. straighten up. dave will actually just keep up the jostling until that happens, at which point he'll speak. it's easier to be absolutely sure dirk won't misinterpret him if dirk can watch his expressions, maybe, if dave isn't shuttering them. and he tries very hard not to do that, although it's not a natural thing; even when he's not controlling them they're minute more often than not. ]

I didn't know you were tryin' to tell me you were proud of me, and that wasn't...remotely about you. That was about me. You couldn't have known I would...take it that way.

[ it's over and done with but maybe it's not, because dave brings up past events all the time and chonological order is kind of hypothetical. it still matters if it's still upsetting dirk in any way. so after a hesitation, dave makes an attempt to clarify. he's been trying to do that more and more often recently. dirk can't read his mind. so - explain it, then. ]

I just...really don't like that I do better away from almost everyone I love, even if it's just for this one particular thing. And you said it was a good thing, and you're not wrong about how you meant it 'cause you didn't mean it that way 'cause you meant just - it was good I did the thing that was better for me, whatever it was, but back then I really didn't want to hear it. So, uh. I'm belatedly sorry? About. That. I don't remember if I apologized then. But I didn't...explain it, probably. But that wasn't about you. Or...being allowed to feel things. Or anything?

[Why? must Dave be a bully?? God Dave stop jostling him. HE DOES EVENTUALLY COMPLY and his shades are out of sorts from the hiding so he just. Fully knocks them up onto his forehead. What a bossy and annoying baby brother.]

Do you... is it okay, now, that I'm proud of you for that?

[He doesn't know. Maybe it's stupid. He goes and finds himself Dave's hand to hold.]

The sum of it is I think it's impressive and admirable that you've been able to recognize problems and attempt to follow their solutions. When you take care of yourself, I'm proud of you because I understand it's difficult for you to take those steps. That... would be the essence of what I meant.

[ look he wanted to be able to look at dirk while they talked instead of talking into shoulders mostly because he doesn't want to get this wrong. backsliding is terrifying and he doesn't want to do it. again.

dave will squeeze dirk's hand, once. ]

No, I mean, I get that now. Kind of. I mean, that's what I thought you kind of meant, even though it wasn't...entirely accurate. [ it's true it was a solution and problem and it was better for him, but he still feels...entirely terrible about leaving the base and then - well, he can't call it dragging dirk with him. letting dirk follow along??? he's feeling marginally less bad about that as time goes on, at least. ]

It's okay. I mean, it's always okay. To feel whatever you feel? I just wanted to explain why I...got upset about that. I didn't know - I wasn't thinkin' about why you were sayin' what you were. I don't want you to think it was because it was you sayin' it or not havin' a right to, because that's bullshit? It was just...about me being an idiot.

[ he makes a face. ]

Technically I wasn't even the one who came up with that. [ the moving out idea. ] You did. I just ignored it until I couldn't any longer.

You still did it.

[The handsqueeze is comforting. And he understands why it upsets Dave. Maybe that's what he should try to talk about. Frowning, he tries to work out the best way to put it.]

That is how you viewed it, and that's... a concern of mine. Indicating pride when it would sound hollow for you. If I tell you I'm proud of you and it hurts you, then it's a mistake to say it. My worry is that if you read my pride as mistaken or misjudged, it will lose all value for you. It will become something you don't want and can't trust.

[ all right, give him a minute here to sort through this. it's silence, but not stunned silence or angry silence. just the faint frown as he tries to puzzle out what it is he wants to say. ]

I don't...like to admit to bein' as broken as I am. You know more of my flaws than probably anyone else at this point, or you know them more - [ a pause as he tries to figure out how to put all the shared memories and ways of thinking and flipsided paradoxes that amount to a way of knowing dave that is entirely different from everyone else's methods, and settles on: ] It's what you said about how you felt when we first talked. Uniquely understood and understandin', wasn't that what you said? But even though that's true, and even though I'm...tryin' to admit to it when it comes up with you, it ain't exactly easy. Hearin' you point it out, even if that's not what you mean to be doin', ain't easy.

[ which isn't to say it shouldn't be said. because that's not what he means at all. ]

It ain't easy and I don't always take it well but I...think maybe I have trouble...recognizin' shit like that.

[Dirk does the thing he's been trying to get good at, which is listening properly. Not interpreting it for the worst outcome. Absently, he thinks about the drift and rise of Dave's accent. Uniquely understood and understanding.

Dirk has always been so scared of anyone seeing him for what he really is, or rather, what he has always feared himself to be. That doesn't mean it's good for him to try to obscure it. That doesn't mean he's right.]

Okay. What do you think we should do?

[ he actually doesn't have to think about that one too hard. ]

Just be honest about it. Whatever you think. And if I - [ a hand gesture with his free hand, before he pauses and forces it down to his side, trying not to rely on his usual vague pantomimes ] if I take it badly just...tell me the thing you say that helps most.

[There is a pause, as he considers something.] I'm proud of you for trying to say these things clearly. And I'm grateful.

Can we get a specific on the thing I say that helps the most? [There are so many things he says that are important to him. He loves Dave, he'll stay with him, Dave is his brother, they'll be okay. The cool thing. He doesn't know which one is the most helpful one to Dave.]

[ thanks dirk way to make dave stop breathing again and look flustered beneath trying to look calm? you're a pal ]

Same thing that'd help you, dude. [ bits and pieces of things they've said back and forth - ] It's okay to not be okay. Neither of us has to be perfect. We're not. And that's okay.

[ you don't have to be cool or even competent and you don't have to pass some invisible standards test. it's all right to be weak sometimes even if it's terrifying and you hate it and you hate yourself. ]

Who you really are is more than good enough. And it's okay to let me see that for you when you can't. I think.

[ uncertainty layered over certainty, and his free hand drifts up to run through his hair, settling at the back of his neck after. i love you, you're my brother, it'll be okay, i'm here - all of these things are important and all of them help but the thing that tends to shatter him the most is a simple acceptance and a promise he doesn't have to be the soldier bro always expected. he thinks maybe dirk needs to be reminded he doesn't have to be that, either.

though - ]

I love you, and that isn't contingent on pride or you makin' the right choices or even you not bein' an idiot or anythin' else. It's just - a thing.

[ his voice kind of drops to a near-mutter, but it's his audible-talking-to-self mutter and dirk's only a footstep away, so. flustered at expressing sincerity shades off and looking dirk in the eye or not, dave actually manages to say words that make sense linked together.

however he is about to die and so he breaks his own rule and goes back to dropping his forehead on dirk's shoulder after stepping back lmao he tried now he's embarrassed you're up dirk ]

Edited 2017-02-03 03:25 (UTC)

[There's a point when Dirk wonders about what is being said. There is a point when Dirk wonders if it isn't just quotation. He is quiet and still.

Dirk's brother's head hits his shoulder, and on reflex Dirk shifts grip: lets go of one hand so he can wrap his arms around Dave properly. Settles a palm on the top of Dave's head.]

I love you too.

[A hug is a strange thing, Dirk thinks. It feels like letting someone support you.]

Thanks.

[ that point would be correct. all of it is shit dirk's said outright at different times or sideways implied or things dave has said and right now -

right now it's just dave saying it to dirk. while answering dirk's question. ]

Welcome. I'm proud of you for more than just the fightin' shit, by the way. You're tryin' really hard to be...you know. Transparent. Too.

[ for all that they both read one another's body language extremely well, they are really good at misconstruing what the other strider means. they've both been trying to combat that. it is excruciatingly embarrassing, but. ]

Jsyk. [ don't use chatspeak in serious conversations ]

[And he was doing so good saying 'by the way' in real words and everything. Dirk is quiet because proud of sword is one thing but proud of emotional progress is another thing. A heavier thing.

Maybe he's hugging Dave a little tighter now.]

We're doing pretty decently, both of us. It feels that way. We're better.

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