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[ ok no dirk you are ruining the point of taking his shades off if he can't see you? so he will jostle dirk a little to get him to like. straighten up. dave will actually just keep up the jostling until that happens, at which point he'll speak. it's easier to be absolutely sure dirk won't misinterpret him if dirk can watch his expressions, maybe, if dave isn't shuttering them. and he tries very hard not to do that, although it's not a natural thing; even when he's not controlling them they're minute more often than not. ]

I didn't know you were tryin' to tell me you were proud of me, and that wasn't...remotely about you. That was about me. You couldn't have known I would...take it that way.

[ it's over and done with but maybe it's not, because dave brings up past events all the time and chonological order is kind of hypothetical. it still matters if it's still upsetting dirk in any way. so after a hesitation, dave makes an attempt to clarify. he's been trying to do that more and more often recently. dirk can't read his mind. so - explain it, then. ]

I just...really don't like that I do better away from almost everyone I love, even if it's just for this one particular thing. And you said it was a good thing, and you're not wrong about how you meant it 'cause you didn't mean it that way 'cause you meant just - it was good I did the thing that was better for me, whatever it was, but back then I really didn't want to hear it. So, uh. I'm belatedly sorry? About. That. I don't remember if I apologized then. But I didn't...explain it, probably. But that wasn't about you. Or...being allowed to feel things. Or anything?

[Why? must Dave be a bully?? God Dave stop jostling him. HE DOES EVENTUALLY COMPLY and his shades are out of sorts from the hiding so he just. Fully knocks them up onto his forehead. What a bossy and annoying baby brother.]

Do you... is it okay, now, that I'm proud of you for that?

[He doesn't know. Maybe it's stupid. He goes and finds himself Dave's hand to hold.]

The sum of it is I think it's impressive and admirable that you've been able to recognize problems and attempt to follow their solutions. When you take care of yourself, I'm proud of you because I understand it's difficult for you to take those steps. That... would be the essence of what I meant.

[ look he wanted to be able to look at dirk while they talked instead of talking into shoulders mostly because he doesn't want to get this wrong. backsliding is terrifying and he doesn't want to do it. again.

dave will squeeze dirk's hand, once. ]

No, I mean, I get that now. Kind of. I mean, that's what I thought you kind of meant, even though it wasn't...entirely accurate. [ it's true it was a solution and problem and it was better for him, but he still feels...entirely terrible about leaving the base and then - well, he can't call it dragging dirk with him. letting dirk follow along??? he's feeling marginally less bad about that as time goes on, at least. ]

It's okay. I mean, it's always okay. To feel whatever you feel? I just wanted to explain why I...got upset about that. I didn't know - I wasn't thinkin' about why you were sayin' what you were. I don't want you to think it was because it was you sayin' it or not havin' a right to, because that's bullshit? It was just...about me being an idiot.

[ he makes a face. ]

Technically I wasn't even the one who came up with that. [ the moving out idea. ] You did. I just ignored it until I couldn't any longer.

You still did it.

[The handsqueeze is comforting. And he understands why it upsets Dave. Maybe that's what he should try to talk about. Frowning, he tries to work out the best way to put it.]

That is how you viewed it, and that's... a concern of mine. Indicating pride when it would sound hollow for you. If I tell you I'm proud of you and it hurts you, then it's a mistake to say it. My worry is that if you read my pride as mistaken or misjudged, it will lose all value for you. It will become something you don't want and can't trust.

[ all right, give him a minute here to sort through this. it's silence, but not stunned silence or angry silence. just the faint frown as he tries to puzzle out what it is he wants to say. ]

I don't...like to admit to bein' as broken as I am. You know more of my flaws than probably anyone else at this point, or you know them more - [ a pause as he tries to figure out how to put all the shared memories and ways of thinking and flipsided paradoxes that amount to a way of knowing dave that is entirely different from everyone else's methods, and settles on: ] It's what you said about how you felt when we first talked. Uniquely understood and understandin', wasn't that what you said? But even though that's true, and even though I'm...tryin' to admit to it when it comes up with you, it ain't exactly easy. Hearin' you point it out, even if that's not what you mean to be doin', ain't easy.

[ which isn't to say it shouldn't be said. because that's not what he means at all. ]

It ain't easy and I don't always take it well but I...think maybe I have trouble...recognizin' shit like that.

[Dirk does the thing he's been trying to get good at, which is listening properly. Not interpreting it for the worst outcome. Absently, he thinks about the drift and rise of Dave's accent. Uniquely understood and understanding.

Dirk has always been so scared of anyone seeing him for what he really is, or rather, what he has always feared himself to be. That doesn't mean it's good for him to try to obscure it. That doesn't mean he's right.]

Okay. What do you think we should do?

[ he actually doesn't have to think about that one too hard. ]

Just be honest about it. Whatever you think. And if I - [ a hand gesture with his free hand, before he pauses and forces it down to his side, trying not to rely on his usual vague pantomimes ] if I take it badly just...tell me the thing you say that helps most.

[There is a pause, as he considers something.] I'm proud of you for trying to say these things clearly. And I'm grateful.

Can we get a specific on the thing I say that helps the most? [There are so many things he says that are important to him. He loves Dave, he'll stay with him, Dave is his brother, they'll be okay. The cool thing. He doesn't know which one is the most helpful one to Dave.]

[ thanks dirk way to make dave stop breathing again and look flustered beneath trying to look calm? you're a pal ]

Same thing that'd help you, dude. [ bits and pieces of things they've said back and forth - ] It's okay to not be okay. Neither of us has to be perfect. We're not. And that's okay.

[ you don't have to be cool or even competent and you don't have to pass some invisible standards test. it's all right to be weak sometimes even if it's terrifying and you hate it and you hate yourself. ]

Who you really are is more than good enough. And it's okay to let me see that for you when you can't. I think.

[ uncertainty layered over certainty, and his free hand drifts up to run through his hair, settling at the back of his neck after. i love you, you're my brother, it'll be okay, i'm here - all of these things are important and all of them help but the thing that tends to shatter him the most is a simple acceptance and a promise he doesn't have to be the soldier bro always expected. he thinks maybe dirk needs to be reminded he doesn't have to be that, either.

though - ]

I love you, and that isn't contingent on pride or you makin' the right choices or even you not bein' an idiot or anythin' else. It's just - a thing.

[ his voice kind of drops to a near-mutter, but it's his audible-talking-to-self mutter and dirk's only a footstep away, so. flustered at expressing sincerity shades off and looking dirk in the eye or not, dave actually manages to say words that make sense linked together.

however he is about to die and so he breaks his own rule and goes back to dropping his forehead on dirk's shoulder after stepping back lmao he tried now he's embarrassed you're up dirk ]

Edited 2017-02-03 03:25 (UTC)

[There's a point when Dirk wonders about what is being said. There is a point when Dirk wonders if it isn't just quotation. He is quiet and still.

Dirk's brother's head hits his shoulder, and on reflex Dirk shifts grip: lets go of one hand so he can wrap his arms around Dave properly. Settles a palm on the top of Dave's head.]

I love you too.

[A hug is a strange thing, Dirk thinks. It feels like letting someone support you.]

Thanks.

[ that point would be correct. all of it is shit dirk's said outright at different times or sideways implied or things dave has said and right now -

right now it's just dave saying it to dirk. while answering dirk's question. ]

Welcome. I'm proud of you for more than just the fightin' shit, by the way. You're tryin' really hard to be...you know. Transparent. Too.

[ for all that they both read one another's body language extremely well, they are really good at misconstruing what the other strider means. they've both been trying to combat that. it is excruciatingly embarrassing, but. ]

Jsyk. [ don't use chatspeak in serious conversations ]

[And he was doing so good saying 'by the way' in real words and everything. Dirk is quiet because proud of sword is one thing but proud of emotional progress is another thing. A heavier thing.

Maybe he's hugging Dave a little tighter now.]

We're doing pretty decently, both of us. It feels that way. We're better.

[ well at least dave has yet to really ever protest being hugged tightly. if anything, he always reciprocates. ]

Good to know there's still an echeladder to painstakingly climb, although gotta say I'm disappoint with the lack of confetti and neon sign titles with this particular route. [ ... ] The hugs are nice, though.

Good, because they're a requisite to levelling up as long as there aren't extenuating circumstances. [Like Dave desperately not wanting to be touched. Since those are no longer a factor, they have to have this.]

When do I get the badge for having non-awkward personal relationships? I've definitely been putting in the time on that.

That badge actually fuckin' exists, doesn't it. Shit.

[ why is his life SO STUPID ]

Maybe the sashes which may or may not exist know we're still kind of stupid? Maybe we have to trick them. Or, like, maybe we should just make our own damn badges.

Would the badges we make be things that maybe or maybe don't literally exist?

[Important for putting them on their sash.]

Legitimately unsure. I'm still not sure we can even touch these hypothetical sashes we supposedly definitely have?

[ wHY IS THE GAME SO STUPID ]

Making our own tangible sash would just not have the same effect.

[The effect of. Apparently letting them interact with people non-awkwardly, or some other stupidity.]

Yeah, so, well. I guess we're stuck waitin' on that bein' a thing.

[ the whole. earning the badge. ]

I'm ok with never earnin' it, personally. Maybe the kiddy camper sashes don't matter so much as how we feel about whatever we're doin', although don't quote me on that since it makes me sound like an afterschool special.

I could literally hear school kids deciding not to do drugs as you said it.

[Being sarcastic cool kids probably works better for them when they aren't hugging like losers.]

So... you feel okay about what we're doing? [Dave says that's what matters. Dirk agrees. If it's what matters, though, he has to confirm.]

Then it was a shitty afterschool special 'cause I'm pretty sure they never manage to do that.

[ they're there to be mocked? ]

Do you mean what we're doin' re: bumbling our way through a fraternal relationship together orrrr standin' here hugging awkwardly like losers? It technically doesn't matter which you meant since the answer is "yes" either way, but you know, for clarity's sake.

I meant the first one, but it's good to know you have no objections to raise against awkwardly standing around hugging.

[They do do it a lot, after all. Quietly, and after a pause] I'm good with how we're doing too.

Well, I'm kind of used to the latter at this point. Case in point.

[ THEY SURE ARE. AWKWARDLY STANDING THERE HUGGING. he kind of laughs. ]

Good to know? I think I feel...better. In general. Lately. So.

Me too.

[The proof of it is in the little smile at the corners of his mouths and eyes. And of course, Dirk doesn't fake it.]

Yeah, well. Ready to head back and let Tuesday really commence?

[ since the 31st is, after all, a tuesday. ]

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