[ it doesn't take much more than that for jade to realize the situation - they've both known about this for weeks and if she thinks about it, the night she'd shut him up by kissing him was probably the trigger. that's... kind of infuriating? she's been avoiding it on her own terms but now it's like it's out of her hands and she doesn't get the choice and that's not fair but it's also not fair that dave's known and not told her because she's had difficulty sleeping for weeks. for weeks, and she's only just now getting some kind of closure? oh my god. on her way back home she's going to kick a telephone pole.
then again she did the same thing to him and she realizes, on second thought, it's probably not easy knowing you died in front of someone close to you. she's mad at him but she's not mad at him, not in the way she's mad at hallucinomemories for existing.
jade's not very good at expressing herself until she's cranky and snapping; you grow up with the big bad wolf and a pentecostal princess locked in a church and you're bound to have issues with emotions, really. as it stands, she just looks really, really tiredly at him. ]
I don't want our lives to revolve around these things, Dave... I'm sorry, too. I should have... said something. I've been avoiding you.
[ the thing is, he thinks they might. the more and more he remembers, the more he starts to feel like this other dave is only a half step away. those feelings and fears don't just disappear because he grew up here, with his family. he's so afraid of finding out more about the childhood he half-remembers, because dave knows what it looks like. he knows what it felt like. and he's terrified he's going to have to tell dirk about it.
i might get cageier he'd told his brother earlier that month, and god, why was it so true? even now, he doesn't want to say a word about the rest of the memory. the half she doesn't have.
dave shuts his eyes, covers the hand on his cheek with his own, and inhales.
exhales. ]
The thing is, [ you shot me, i died, i revived ] you only got the second half of the memory, Jade. And I didn't want you to have to remember the first part, or any of it.
[ he opens his eyes. ]
...But I'm giving you the choice. It's not a nice memory, and you'll hate it, and I won't be able to really explain it beyond the part where nothing was ever on you, because I knew that even then. But - it's your choice.
[ it's bad. it's got to be really, really, really bad and from the sound of it, jade's the reason it went so bad. jade tongues her front teeth, thinking - dave's had to look at her and know whatever it is that makes this "not a nice memory." jade's had to look at him and know that she was there, which is bad enough. what is it that makes it "not nice" now?
he's prepping himself like he can't bear to hurt her and that's infuriating in itself but jade doesn't want to hold it against him. she takes a moment to think, searching his eyes for answers she knows she probably won't find. jade can handle herself, dave can handle himself, and they're both independent individuals, but they are also trying to protect the other from something that clearly is going to slam into the other at some point. what is the purpose, then? ]
Did Anya talk to you about the red string thing?
[ jade doesn't ramble; her words have meaning and she has no reason to distract. actually, she's pretty bad at distracting. she has to say this because dave has to understand her resolve here and because she can't stand how he's looking at her - she's not mad, she just feels like maybe he's putting her down a little. unintentionally. ] She told me about... jeez, this is embarrassing, but she said stuff about soulmates and things about... well, us. Me and you. I don't know! I don't know anything about how far back we might go, but I think... I wouldn't have worn a dress so fancy for no reason, and I don't think I'd have kissed you for no reason, either. Dave, I've been best friends with you since before either of us were born, I think! And I've loved you since before I was born, I'm... I'm pretty sure. So we're partners, and. Um... I want to be your equal? So I want to know. I do. I really, really do and I want us to not hide things from each other or let these things keep us from being honest.
[ she sighs, shoulders slumping. despite her posture, her tone is thankful; having the choice presented to her gives her a bit of control and that's... it's nice to have the option, even if they know what jade's going to want.
her hand stays on his cheek. ] So thank you for the choice. We both know the answer I'm giving you, though. I want to know. I deserve to know, Dave.
I'll tell you this, but we have to - [ a pause. ] I told Dirk the same thing. Jade, there's a really, really good chance I'm gonna start not tellin' you shit.
[ it's a warning and a question. because he's pretty fucking sure there's something coming he won't want to speak about. he already feels like he shouldn't have told dirk as much as he had. the joking tone about creepy memories he'd taken, the way he'd copped to his brother to being disturbed - it's all building up to something dave just doesn't want to face.
even with seventeen years of it not being a thing, he's not sure he's equal to dealing with it just yet. ]
There's a really good chance there's goin' to be shit I remember that I can't tell you. [ the too-familiar apartment. messages written in maybe-blood. constant surveillance and puppets and a kitchen with nothing but weapons. dreams of his continuous deaths being a blessed relief and somehow pedestrian. the feeling of being watched and knowing that whatever brother he was referring to at every point in the memories he's had could not be dirk, because dirk had never met him before the one shared conversation they recalled.
it's all building to something mind-numbingly terrifying, and dave has mostly been pretending it's not. ]
It's not - I don't think it's going to be entirely about you. But you should have the choice there, too, to whether or not you want to even - deal with that. And it might hit a point where I won't let you know I'm - not goin' to be - [ honest. it's already hard enough and he's already not happy about what she's asking him to do right now. this is taxing him beyond measure, being asked to tell her how he died - having to offer it, because otherwise it'd just fall to pieces when she remembered down the road, and at the very least dave doesn't want that.
still. ]
I'll tell you the other half of the memory in a second. But I just - in a little while this might not be a warnin' I'd give you. So I'm givin' it to you now while you still have time to, like, get the hell out of dodge.
[ okay, so something is really, really wrong and dave doesn't want jade to know. this is the extent of what he's willing to tell her, and it twists her stomach hard because jade's been in on dave's inside jokes, for the most part, since they were eight. there's never been an aspect of his life that he wasn't willing to share with her. this has nothing to do with her, he assures her, probably to make her understand that it's not her fault. it doesn't feel like it is. ]
Do you want me to get the hell out of dodge?
[ she doesn't want to. she really doesn't want to. at the same time, jade doesn't push. there's things bigger than her going on in his life and she gets that; childhood friendships and girlfriends sometimes don't trump everything in your life. it's not even that she's holding that against him, really - those things are just proof jade cares about dave. if he's in pain then she wants to help him. it's hypocritical, pulling her onto his bed because he wants to fix what's hurting her and then telling her he's going to be cagey. it's not equal by any measure.
it's frustrating but jade also knows that sometimes you have to back off and give someone their space. ]
No. [ not...exactly? dave does worry that this is going to come down to being fair at some point because probably he should tell people what he's afraid of. but there are dark thorny vines growing around the space in his chest where he's pretty sure his heart is, and creeping up his throat to choke off his words. play it cool says his own voice in scattered memories in what used to be the sanctity of his own mind. don't let anyone know says the same voice and he knows that voice is right even though he'd told dirk i'm scared of changing and a million other things.
he'd been scared because he'd known it was happening, bit by bit. there are secrets waiting around the corner and he won't want to share them. already he doesn't want to share the idea of them. ]
But I want you to have the option. Because you didn't sign up for - this. Whatever this is. Uh. I mean - the things that - hm. I don't...I'm not sure about things - not us, I'm sure about that, just about - I don't know how much I got right or wrong. But it's - I can't -
[ he has no idea how to explain this and he kind of just hopes she gets the general idea of can't. it's overlaid with quiet muted dread and terror and dave starts to pull back a little, running a hand through his hair. ]
This isn't helpin'. Sorry. What point did your memory start at?
[ jade knows that she's beating a dead horse at this point. (this dead horse thought makes her very sad actually??? what an awful metaphor)
dave leans back and jade's hand is left awkwardly in the air for a moment. she closes it into a fist, pulling it toward her chest, and keeps the distance. ]
You didn't sign up for this either. I don't know what's wrong but you didn't do anything to deserve it.
[ this is exactly the opposite way she wanted this to go, fantastic. jade looks down and away before answering. ]
It was short. You were on the ground in front of me already.
[ haha shit he's fucking up while trying really hard not to. dave holds out his hands, laying them face up on his crossed legs. jade can take them or not.
he takes a breath. ]
I remember a little more in either direction. The kiss - for some reason, it brought me back, but not there. To, uh, another body maybe? Rose was there, too, and I was covered in blood from all the bulletholes and shit but I was fine.
[ let's. lead in with the Positive direction! shit that doesn't sound positive. ]
I didn't, uh, remember havin' the kiss so much as - knowin' it would happen. I knew I was goin' to die. I didn't try to avoid it because it had to happen, for - some reason. [ inevitability and had to and he had to make sure it did, all feelings he has no idea what to do with. ] There was a monster. Black, a dog, glowy. You were shootin' it, but it was a portal, and it warped the bullets. I knew it was comin', but you didn't.
[ dave rambles and jade... gets it to an extent; she knew, in her memory, she was going to see dave again. she'd chalked it up to worst case scenario (she won't be auditioning for romeo and juliet later this month, but, "thus, with a kiss, i die" seemed like an answer to that feeling) but this explains it. there was something else she was doing, and it's kind of a relief.
"there was a monster" is what does it for her, first. it's the floodgates to the memory of an assault rifle in her grip, warm from use. dave's behind her and she knows, in present time, what's going to happen when the half dog half man thing glows electric green. the jade in her memory doesn't and keeps shooting and then the thing is gone, behind her with dave, so she turns and -
her bullets are exiting dave's body, the monster behind him, and the memory ties in seamlessly. jade drops the gun, replaces it with dave's body.
present time jade doesn't reach for dave's hands until her memory is grabbing him, then it's her hands on his and she pulls into him; ]
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry--
[ her arms around him in a hug, chest flush against his. he feels real but jade buries her face in the crook of his neck, pressing her forehead to his pulse. she wants to make sure. ] I'm so sorry, Dave, I really, really am.
It wasn't your fault, Jade. [ soothing, and dave lets her cling to him, just hugging her back and sitting there, slotting his chin on top of her head. ] Really, it wasn't, you don't have to apologize for it, ever. It was somethin' I knew was gonna happen and it was okay - I was okay. So - please don't cry or anythin'. I promise it was okay.
[ jade knows she can't really disagree, because dave's right here. he's holding her. she woke dave up in the middle of the night, hours before school, for a nightmare, and he still put her down on his bed, let her cling to him and he's consoling her. she feels awful, selfish - she's the worst person in this room, at least. ]
I'm not crying.
[ well, not anymore. it's not a white lie, okay, he didn't specify whether he meant now or earlier. jade is allowed this? after a shaky inhale (clearly, clearly, jade keeping her emotions bottled up, again, but that's not new. she's bad at letting people worry about her and the idea of it is... uncomfortable? a little.) ] You really were fine?
[ rolling over, one hand to her forehead and the most completely done tone you can imagine: ] Yes, I totally smooched your corpse. That is kind of something that I told you already??
Um... Well. ...There was a lot of blood? But it was a fresh corpse, Dave.
[ which is to say that it didn't feel like she imagines a dead body to? which jade actually hopes she never finds out now holy shit. her dad works homicide but they're over the whole "casual dinner talk about work" thing at this point, no one likes to eat meatball subs and talk about dead things
...dave would do this. this is why bigby lowkey likes dave. ]
[ it is infinitely easier to hug it out than it is to have a serious and long conversation about trust that likely both of them will be awful at later on.
it's a good thing he's just going back to bed in a bit because once he's in jade's arms, she raises a hand to push his bangs out of the way and place a kiss there. ]
First Romeo and now you are calling me Prince Charming... I am starting to think you like being swept off your feet!!
[ she's joking around now, there's that. but: ] I just want to say that... [ ....never mind, she's chickening out now; she's gotta come up with something else quick, SHIT SHIT SHIT ] I have been avoiding kissing you on the mouth but now that's off because I'm not scared to do it anymore and you still owe me on teaching me to do it better.
[ yes nailed it that's not embarrassing and completely not what she wanted to say ]
Later. Like, not super late on a night where your parents don't know where you are?
[ this is AN OBJECTION HE HAD BEFORE...sorry jade but his ma would kill him and so would your parents, and also, he's a good kid. but he will like tilt her chin up for one brief, chaste kiss before offering to see her home and PRESUMABLY THAT HAPPENS i've got too many tabs open and > the aforementioned objections. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
then again she did the same thing to him and she realizes, on second thought, it's probably not easy knowing you died in front of someone close to you. she's mad at him but she's not mad at him, not in the way she's mad at hallucinomemories for existing.
jade's not very good at expressing herself until she's cranky and snapping; you grow up with the big bad wolf and a pentecostal princess locked in a church and you're bound to have issues with emotions, really. as it stands, she just looks really, really tiredly at him. ]
I don't want our lives to revolve around these things, Dave... I'm sorry, too. I should have... said something. I've been avoiding you.
no subject
[ the thing is, he thinks they might. the more and more he remembers, the more he starts to feel like this other dave is only a half step away. those feelings and fears don't just disappear because he grew up here, with his family. he's so afraid of finding out more about the childhood he half-remembers, because dave knows what it looks like. he knows what it felt like. and he's terrified he's going to have to tell dirk about it.
i might get cageier he'd told his brother earlier that month, and god, why was it so true? even now, he doesn't want to say a word about the rest of the memory. the half she doesn't have.
dave shuts his eyes, covers the hand on his cheek with his own, and inhales.
exhales. ]
The thing is, [ you shot me, i died, i revived ] you only got the second half of the memory, Jade. And I didn't want you to have to remember the first part, or any of it.
[ he opens his eyes. ]
...But I'm giving you the choice. It's not a nice memory, and you'll hate it, and I won't be able to really explain it beyond the part where nothing was ever on you, because I knew that even then. But - it's your choice.
no subject
he's prepping himself like he can't bear to hurt her and that's infuriating in itself but jade doesn't want to hold it against him. she takes a moment to think, searching his eyes for answers she knows she probably won't find. jade can handle herself, dave can handle himself, and they're both independent individuals, but they are also trying to protect the other from something that clearly is going to slam into the other at some point. what is the purpose, then? ]
Did Anya talk to you about the red string thing?
[ jade doesn't ramble; her words have meaning and she has no reason to distract. actually, she's pretty bad at distracting. she has to say this because dave has to understand her resolve here and because she can't stand how he's looking at her - she's not mad, she just feels like maybe he's putting her down a little. unintentionally. ] She told me about... jeez, this is embarrassing, but she said stuff about soulmates and things about... well, us. Me and you. I don't know! I don't know anything about how far back we might go, but I think... I wouldn't have worn a dress so fancy for no reason, and I don't think I'd have kissed you for no reason, either. Dave, I've been best friends with you since before either of us were born, I think! And I've loved you since before I was born, I'm... I'm pretty sure. So we're partners, and. Um... I want to be your equal? So I want to know. I do. I really, really do and I want us to not hide things from each other or let these things keep us from being honest.
[ she sighs, shoulders slumping. despite her posture, her tone is thankful; having the choice presented to her gives her a bit of control and that's... it's nice to have the option, even if they know what jade's going to want.
her hand stays on his cheek. ] So thank you for the choice. We both know the answer I'm giving you, though. I want to know. I deserve to know, Dave.
no subject
[ it's a warning and a question. because he's pretty fucking sure there's something coming he won't want to speak about. he already feels like he shouldn't have told dirk as much as he had. the joking tone about creepy memories he'd taken, the way he'd copped to his brother to being disturbed - it's all building up to something dave just doesn't want to face.
even with seventeen years of it not being a thing, he's not sure he's equal to dealing with it just yet. ]
There's a really good chance there's goin' to be shit I remember that I can't tell you. [ the too-familiar apartment. messages written in maybe-blood. constant surveillance and puppets and a kitchen with nothing but weapons. dreams of his continuous deaths being a blessed relief and somehow pedestrian. the feeling of being watched and knowing that whatever brother he was referring to at every point in the memories he's had could not be dirk, because dirk had never met him before the one shared conversation they recalled.
it's all building to something mind-numbingly terrifying, and dave has mostly been pretending it's not. ]
It's not - I don't think it's going to be entirely about you. But you should have the choice there, too, to whether or not you want to even - deal with that. And it might hit a point where I won't let you know I'm - not goin' to be - [ honest. it's already hard enough and he's already not happy about what she's asking him to do right now. this is taxing him beyond measure, being asked to tell her how he died - having to offer it, because otherwise it'd just fall to pieces when she remembered down the road, and at the very least dave doesn't want that.
still. ]
I'll tell you the other half of the memory in a second. But I just - in a little while this might not be a warnin' I'd give you. So I'm givin' it to you now while you still have time to, like, get the hell out of dodge.
no subject
Do you want me to get the hell out of dodge?
[ she doesn't want to. she really doesn't want to. at the same time, jade doesn't push. there's things bigger than her going on in his life and she gets that; childhood friendships and girlfriends sometimes don't trump everything in your life. it's not even that she's holding that against him, really - those things are just proof jade cares about dave. if he's in pain then she wants to help him. it's hypocritical, pulling her onto his bed because he wants to fix what's hurting her and then telling her he's going to be cagey. it's not equal by any measure.
it's frustrating but jade also knows that sometimes you have to back off and give someone their space. ]
no subject
he'd been scared because he'd known it was happening, bit by bit. there are secrets waiting around the corner and he won't want to share them. already he doesn't want to share the idea of them. ]
But I want you to have the option. Because you didn't sign up for - this. Whatever this is. Uh. I mean - the things that - hm. I don't...I'm not sure about things - not us, I'm sure about that, just about - I don't know how much I got right or wrong. But it's - I can't -
[ he has no idea how to explain this and he kind of just hopes she gets the general idea of can't. it's overlaid with quiet muted dread and terror and dave starts to pull back a little, running a hand through his hair. ]
This isn't helpin'. Sorry. What point did your memory start at?
no subject
[ jade knows that she's beating a dead horse at this point. (this dead horse thought makes her very sad actually??? what an awful metaphor)
dave leans back and jade's hand is left awkwardly in the air for a moment. she closes it into a fist, pulling it toward her chest, and keeps the distance. ]
You didn't sign up for this either. I don't know what's wrong but you didn't do anything to deserve it.
[ this is exactly the opposite way she wanted this to go, fantastic. jade looks down and away before answering. ]
It was short. You were on the ground in front of me already.
no subject
he takes a breath. ]
I remember a little more in either direction. The kiss - for some reason, it brought me back, but not there. To, uh, another body maybe? Rose was there, too, and I was covered in blood from all the bulletholes and shit but I was fine.
[ let's. lead in with the Positive direction! shit that doesn't sound positive. ]
I didn't, uh, remember havin' the kiss so much as - knowin' it would happen. I knew I was goin' to die. I didn't try to avoid it because it had to happen, for - some reason. [ inevitability and had to and he had to make sure it did, all feelings he has no idea what to do with. ] There was a monster. Black, a dog, glowy. You were shootin' it, but it was a portal, and it warped the bullets. I knew it was comin', but you didn't.
no subject
"there was a monster" is what does it for her, first. it's the floodgates to the memory of an assault rifle in her grip, warm from use. dave's behind her and she knows, in present time, what's going to happen when the half dog half man thing glows electric green. the jade in her memory doesn't and keeps shooting and then the thing is gone, behind her with dave, so she turns and -
her bullets are exiting dave's body, the monster behind him, and the memory ties in seamlessly. jade drops the gun, replaces it with dave's body.
present time jade doesn't reach for dave's hands until her memory is grabbing him, then it's her hands on his and she pulls into him; ]
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry--
[ her arms around him in a hug, chest flush against his. he feels real but jade buries her face in the crook of his neck, pressing her forehead to his pulse. she wants to make sure. ] I'm so sorry, Dave, I really, really am.
no subject
no subject
I'm not crying.
[ well, not anymore. it's not a white lie, okay, he didn't specify whether he meant now or earlier. jade is allowed this? after a shaky inhale (clearly, clearly, jade keeping her emotions bottled up, again, but that's not new. she's bad at letting people worry about her and the idea of it is... uncomfortable? a little.) ] You really were fine?
no subject
[ dave shakes his head, uncertain. ]
I don't...know the context to it. I just know it was right after that.
no subject
I knew I was going to see you again when I, um. Did the thing. [ the kiss thing. ] Sleeping Beauty?
[ it's a suggestion, but she feels silly making it. (which just kind of makes jade like it more, actually.) ]
no subject
[ a pause. ]
You totally kissed my corpse.
no subject
[ rolling over, one hand to her forehead and the most completely done tone you can imagine: ] Yes, I totally smooched your corpse. That is kind of something that I told you already??
no subject
[ he's trying to distract her, a little bit.
but also: ew. ]
no subject
So... you want to talk about it? [ awkward?? jade was projecting some weird old fashioned romance onto that.
what dave doesn't know about how incredibly dork jade is wont hurt him ] I don't know if there's a lot to talk about with it? I just did it.
no subject
no subject
[ which is to say that it didn't feel like she imagines a dead body to? which jade actually hopes she never finds out now holy shit. her dad works homicide but they're over the whole "casual dinner talk about work" thing at this point, no one likes to eat meatball subs and talk about dead things
...dave would do this. this is why bigby lowkey likes dave. ]
It was different from kissing you now.
no subject
...
...hm. ]
I think I'm gonna settle with "ew" as my final answer here.
no subject
It is pretty gross but if Sleeping Beauty's right then you owe me for bringing you back to life.
[ jade opens her arms up, gesturing for him to get in with her. for a hug. probably. ] Come heeeeeeeere.
[ ok, as demanding as that was and as annoyed as her expression is, she's only teasing. ]
no subject
Thanks for savin' me, Prince Charmin'.
no subject
it's a good thing he's just going back to bed in a bit because once he's in jade's arms, she raises a hand to push his bangs out of the way and place a kiss there. ]
First Romeo and now you are calling me Prince Charming... I am starting to think you like being swept off your feet!!
[ she's joking around now, there's that. but: ] I just want to say that... [ ....never mind, she's chickening out now; she's gotta come up with something else quick, SHIT SHIT SHIT ] I have been avoiding kissing you on the mouth but now that's off because I'm not scared to do it anymore and you still owe me on teaching me to do it better.
[ yes
nailed it
that's not embarrassing and completely not what she wanted to say ]
no subject
[ this is AN OBJECTION HE HAD BEFORE...sorry jade but his ma would kill him and so would your parents, and also, he's a good kid. but he will like tilt her chin up for one brief, chaste kiss before offering to see her home and PRESUMABLY THAT HAPPENS i've got too many tabs open and > the aforementioned objections. ]