parodeity | cradle

cradle

[ entering dave's cradle will drop everyone in the middle of really really normal suburbia. it's a town in washington. texas is great and all, but it's linked to bro in dave's mind, and bro doesn't exist here. instead there's rose and her mom, john and his dad, jade and her (not dead) grandpa. he's not dave strider because in a perfect world he's not part of any of bro's legacy. he's dave lalonde because rose is the only family member he knows he adores without reserve. he can't remember roxy here, after all.

more specifically than "suburbia" though, you'll get dropped into high school. which dave is attending. if you spot him in the halls, he's most likely hanging out with rose, john, and jade. there's a very easy and real friendship between the four of them, and that isn't even a thing his cradle has to fake: it's always been there, but he's been cut off from any part of it ever since he got into this murder game thing. when he speaks to any of the three it's with a small smile usually, and the easy rapport involves teasing one another and generally acting like they've been doing this their whole lives.

also, he's not actually wearing shades. like, at all. so enjoy his red eyes for however long that lasts.

and someone wanted lunch to be a thing in highschool so dave's definitely going to snag a table with rose and wait for john and jade to get their lunches. dave's lunch seems to be pb&j and two apple juice boxes. rose is chatting with him about her last period (english) and he's only vaguely paying attention as he taps out a beat on the table with one of his apple juice straws. ]

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[just squinting at this while he takes the seat across from her in an effort to blend in with his shitty jasmine cosplay]

Are you seriously telling me Dave's ideal world is being stuck in school? [DAVE NO. DAVE HE THOUGHT YOU WERE SO COOL. HOW COULD YOU BETRAY HIM LIKE THIS.]

We should totally just go for it. Let's just grab him and fly him around until he realizes how lame this is and how much cooler we are!

[Adrien is sitting next to Roxy, because there is no known universe in which judar and adrien should sit next to each other. in contrast to judar's betrayal, the fact that this cradle is so... normal, he feels some kind of kinship with dave over it. not that he needs additional fuel for that by now. in fact they need less fuel. put out this friendship fire. their "let's just go for it" suggestions are met with a skeptical look]

Yeah, and while we're at it, let's just offer him to take the blue pill or the red pill. [adrien just because you're sad doesn't mean you get to be a dick] You said it yourself, this is Dave's ideal world. If we walk up to him and tell him it's fake, he'll just think we're lunatics.

[ yuno is absolutely sitting next to the idiot with the braid. that's her first choice here. ]

I think drugging him is viable.

[ obviously the reference adrien makes isn't lost on yuno, but also holy shit yuno, do not drug your boyfriend for the... third time... wtf ]

It might make him more open to it? ...Just kidding. We shouldn't drug him, I don't know how an illusion would manifest that. I bet if I go over there and tell him we're dating, though, it'll work. [ again, what the fuck ] You know, love's the most powerful thing in existence.

[ i would say stop her but yuno's already getting up and walking over to him but maybe someone should stop her ]

[ well i mean, at least someone walking over will catch the attention of the lalonde siblings where they're sitting. they're side by side, half-turned to one another and leaning in, and rose is very obviously his sister. they look too alike not to share blood, even though her eyes are a vibrant purple where dave's are red. beyond that they have the same hair color, the same pale skin, the same sharp features.

their eyebrows go up at the same time at the approach of a girl with pink hair and a determined expression. ]

Yeah, we gotta be careful since. IDK, I don't want him stuck in a fantasy land five-ever 'cause we're idiots.

[ and then yuNO... ]

... Ok, we're going with Yuno's love conquers all plan, that's. Happening.

[ like roxy would love to see how That plays out without interfering, but she just is going to casually follow yuno. but stay a few paces back, trying to stay out of the lalonde siblings sight since. would they recognize her? would that help or hurt welp captain adrien save us ]

Uh, pretty sure we can prove it's not fake thanks to being able to actually fly and use magic.

[He's automatically gagging at 'love conquers all', but he'll tag along behind Roxy.]

How is this a better plan than just flying him outta here? Maybe he already has a girlfriend in his fake world. [Then he abruptly cheers up.] Maybe we'll get to see Yuno kill her.

--Why aren't you guys stopping her?!

[how is this already a trainwreck. how. adrien yelps and rushes to try to stop Yuno, but since Dave noticed it's PROBABLY TOO LATE and he ends up just kind of awkwardly standing right behind her, looking like he's about to pull her under the table. maybe that'll work. maybe]

Yuno...!

[whispering harshly to try to not draw MORE ATTENTION. he hates this]

[ you're all lucky yuno got really distracted by how hot rose is. shit. he really wasn't kidding, she's definitely dave's twin sister. ]

Eh?

[ team captain adrien is calling her name and there's emphasis on the "no" part of it so that's. probably a hint. she's twisting at the hip, looking back at the ragtag group of idiots that are definitely going to end up stuck here forever because yuno is screwing everyone but. okay. she observes adrien for a second and then...

... TURNS BACK TO DAVE AND ROSE... ]

We've got homeroom together, right? [ yuno's just taking a shot in the dark here, but clearly Love Conquers All is not the group plan, so. time to wing it. can't go back now. eye contact has been established. (of course dave's eyes are red. yukki's are blue. the universe is laughing at yuno. the color wheel has left her in despair.) ]

I was kind of staring, sorry. I know it's impolite, but you're... with your straw. You were doing that with your pencil, too, weren't you? [ again, a shot in the dark SHE'S DOOMING US ALL ] The beat's kind of similar. Is it your's or someone else's song?

[ how badly are we doing ]

Edited (names are hard. bye) 2016-09-02 07:18 (UTC)

[ someone save this team of idiots. luckily, dave is pretty friendly.

unluckily, rose is...rose. dave's virtual reality paradise version of his sister is entirely accurate and while dave's eyebrows go down, hers don't. ]

I think I would recall a new student with pink hair.

[ dave rolls his eyes. it's entirely visible without the shades on, for once. rose just sighs and eats one of her apple slices. ]

What's it matter? You know if they're new Jade and John are gonna wanna talk to 'em anyway. [ the harleyberts are friendly as fuck, and dave stops tapping his straw to finally punch it through the hole in the box. ] It's my song, btw, though it's nowhere near finished.

Don't ask him to play it. It involves beatboxing.

[ so this is like. the first time roxy has ever heard rose speak, and is just going to take a moment to remind herself that this is real fake. also dave sounds so. not fucked up, it hurts her heart? who let the mom come.

okay but, from behind the rest of team idiots, just barely peeking around she blurts out ] We'd love to hear it.

[ listen they're on a mission but clearly this will help dave... trust them? which will help get him out of the american education system. ]

[What the fuck is a homeroom. Judar just throws Roxy a look that screams are we seriously doing this can't we just Peter Pan him.

But god fine, if this is the plan they're going with, he'll play along for now since he doesn't actually want Dave to be trapped forever in boring suburban hell. When he turns back, he's suddenly all friendliness and smiles without a single hint of how much this is killing him inside on his face.]

We're transfer students from...another country across the ocean. [Look, he has no idea what countries in this world are called, but oceans are still a thing right. Please tell him oceans still exist in the modern world and that'll totally explain things like weird hair and zero clues about this culture.] And sure man, go for it. We've got nothing but time.

[Was that. Too subtle.]

[he hates all of you guys so much. oh my god. oh my god? they're never getting dave out of here. they will die in the american schooling system. adrien takes in a deep breath and smiles himself, resisting the urge to kick judar.]

He means we're all from different countries that are across the ocean. [judar why. why. you smiling was bad enough. why you gotta be shit at lying.] You know, France, Japan... Agrabah. [gestures at Judar's outfit. haha, it's a joke!!! please laugh, dave.]

But yeah, beatboxing sounds cool. [an innocent smile as he clasps his hands behind his back] Though, if it bothers your... sister? Sorry, am I assuming? [he isn't, but this is the lie they're going with. this is what he is stuck with.] We can move a little bit further away for the demonstration.

[to get dave away from mind construct rose enough so that she isn't judging all their TERRIBLE LIES]

I'm the one from Agrabah.

[ no she's not, but it's pretty obvious she's from japan so it's a JOKE!! a prank. but she mouths to adrien, first: ]

Are we kidnapping him? I can help with that. Hold on!

[ holy? shit? anyway. yuno's leaning on table with her elbows, still... not sitting down... look if rose mistakes her for coming over here purely to flirt, then

well actually she would be right, come to think of it. sorry. ]

I definitely wanna hear an exclusive preview of a Dave Strider original. Can we borrow him? Promise not to fill his head up too much with tales of flying carpets and magically inflated hair braids.

[ dave does pause to laugh at adrien's joke about agrabah. but that's after rose catches roxy peering around the group and starts to stare. at roxy. she looks a lot like someone else they know? it doesn't exactly set dave on edge, but maybe it does because rose gets instantly wary.

or really, he just knows rose really, really fucking well. and even a paradise dream rose will react exactly like normal rose, because absolutely nothing about rose and jade and john has changed except that they didn't have to go through the game, either. they're the same people, because he's never wanted to alter any of them even a little bit. ]

You're all fairly interested in my brother.

[ there's a sense of why and do i need to murder you perhaps because it's rose and she can't be normal even in a dream. dave steals one of her apple slices, not looking that interested in ditching his sister. ]

I'm sort of a big deal, Rose, you know this.

[ dream-rose softens a hair, but only to turn her scathing gaze on her twin. ]

Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants. It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."

[ dave gives a very humble shrug. this isn't even a dreamscape thing. this is a conversation they've had before, but it isn't a conversation he remembers having. ]

Eh. Dudes be worshippin' me left and right. Can't hardly walk down the street without steppin' over torsos of the prostrate. Are you butterin' me up for a reason, sis?

[ he's not sure why he thinks that and rose's expression says she isn't, either. ]

For what purpose?

[ dave...frowns, shakes his head, shrugs. ]

Tryin' to get your hands on my aj, obviously.

Dave. We have been over this, repeatedly. I don't have any interest whatsoever in your juice boxes. This has been true for sixteen years. [ rose turns her attention back to the "transfer students". ] We seem to be at a disadvantage regarding names.

She means she wants to know yours. Also, gimme a sec to pull up the tunes. [ he'll have to pull out his ipod and fiddle with it. btw everyone in school is using sylladexes oops ]

[ you know what's going to occur to roxy once they're done with all this? that she could have used her invisibility powers here. but too late for that now. ]

Hooooly shit she's Dirk. [ that's more muttered to herself than to the team since what. but crap, that also means virtual rose is a Smart. is there anyway to program a distation to lure rose away into this bs.

but okay let's see if she has any acting ability or if we're going to need to peter pan this shit. or matrix it? or roxy could pull a marty mcfly, actually. but for now, she pokes her head out and ]

I'm Ro-- Rihanna Agreste, from France like my little brother Adrien here. [ pats adrien's. shoulder. they're both blonde and french and this is twilight so they're rosalie and jasper now oops ] I'm a big fan of your blog, Mr Strider! We're all fans. It's very popular overseas! ... Can we have an autograph?

[Judar's smile stays firmly pasted on his face, but judging from the impatient shift of his feet and the flare of irritation in his eyes, he's about two seconds away from going 'fuck it' and signing on to Yuno's plan to kidnap Dave.]

Judar. [does he need a last name too shit] Uh...Judar Ren. And yeah, we're huge fans of your...blaugh? [what the fuck is that time to make a wild guess and hope he strikes gold] Especially the comics, those are hilarious. We should totally exchange tips or trade art. Soon. Like, now would be awesome.

[if this doesn't work he's just going to summon a blizzard and chuck a snowball at adrien's face tbh]

[if he could loudly hiss no on kidnapping without grabbing attention he would, but the face he makes at roxy's "rihanna agreste" is probably enough of a tell. that's. that's not even french. he's dying, squirtle.

also the slow mounting realization that half this party has no idea how regular teenagers work. "your blaugh is a big hit overseas". this is how and when rose kills them. adrien will lean closer to rose to whisper at her and try to salvage this:]

Sorry, my sister and Judar aren't very good at this, but they're trying to cover for our friend. She's got a huge crush on your brother and wanted to talk to him one-on-one, but she doesn't want to say it so bluntly, and in front of other people, too. It's a whole culture thing, I think?

[it's easier to lie when it's to someone's mental construct of their twin sisters and it's like, half truth.]

[ oh shit is that a murderous tone yuno detects? what the fuck. what's going on here. dave's hot twin sister is immediately suspicious. does dave have some weird incestuous thing for her? holy shit. that's kind of infuriating. how is that happening? why is this happening to her, specifically. oh my god.

oh my god.

yuno has to kill everyone in this room.

that's the only solution here. yes, that'll work. dave will see everything is fake including this version of his sister and then they can all go back to the ship and-- ]

Adrien!!

[ nnnnnever mind. adrien blurts out that yuno has a crush on dave and like. true. fair. she totally does. but when someone else says it... ]

恥ずかし...

[ well, then she gets to play up the embarrassed foreign exchange student who buries her face in her hands and mutters something in her native language. hopefully it's as cute as she hopes it is; she's even wearing the just barely too long for her sweater. does it make her seem smaller? more vulnerable? yuno is desperate here ]

I... Yuno. My name's Yuno Gasai. [ BUT WAIT, everyone else has... fake names. except adrien because yuno spoiled his, sorry. ] It's spelled with a J instead of a Y, though. [ nailed it juno gasai has landed. at least it's not rihanna, she supposes. ] I... It's true, though. I've really.... wanted to talk to you. I'm so strange, I'm sorry, I came on too strong, didn't I? Please forgive me.

[ yuno rose is like, super gay, there's nothing incestuous going on they're just really close as they're best friends and also siblings. luckily adrien defuses rose's wariness, which had only gotten worse when judar claimed they were all fans of dave's blog because.

sbahj???? really?????? she reads every update but she's related to dave and has to. so.

but the whole "i'm sorry they suck it's a crush they're trying to help" angle? that rose can buy more than, uh, dave's blog actually having irl fans. goddamnit rose. ]

Their stealth could use some work. Getting Dave alone isn't actually that difficult, however - you could just - [ she responds equally low-voiced before casually reaching out and smacking dave's hand away when he uses the whispered conversation as an opportunity to try to steal more of her food.

and then yuno just uh

brings dave's attention to what's going on here since he missed the whispers while focusing on his ipod? ]

Uh, what? No, it's chill. Y'all can sit with us for lunch if you want, the Harleyberts won't care. Yuno-with-a-J - like Juno? Isn't that like, the queen of the gods or something.

For the Roman pantheon, yes. Your lockdown on useless trivia is as spot on as ever.

I try.

[ in the distance luke castellan chokes on something at the mention of gods.

this is why adrien is team captain the rest of them are a disaster. and it was either rihanna or rhonda, there were no good choices here?? she's not actually french ok how should she know.

she'll just. lightly shove "juno" at dave. love conquers all etc. ]

Juno? Are we seriously--

[Whoops, he probably should have whispered that, huh. Hopefully Dave and Rose will interpret it as him being hugely embarrassed over how awkward this is as opposed to just barfing at true love. Can't he just prove Rose wrong and shove sbahj and shitty art into Dave's face until he remembers instead!!]

I mean. Yeah, that's exactly [hrrk] what's happening here. Whoops, I guess you caught us. We just couldn't let poor Juno [gag] pine forever, it was getting pathetic.

[WHY ARE THEY GIVING FAKE NAMES? WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS? HE JUST WANTS DAVE TO MOVE SLIGHTLY AWAY FROM EVERYONE ELSE. he just. without looking back, kicks at judar. he deserves it. he keeps smiling at rose, a bit sheepish, still in his whisper convo:]

You can see the issue, right? [the entire world can see the issue. they are a Mess.] So, how would you go about...?

[he can't believe he's at the point where he's bargaining with a construct of dave's mind by going with the romance option. what is his life.]

[ why the fuck did she give juno like... fuck okay it's an appropriate joke, but. ]

Yeah. My dad's an [ uh. ] archaeologist. He's... all about that stu--[ except then ro-- rihanna pushes her closer to dave and like. okay. guess this is happening. juno the japanese exchange student is getting shoved at dave and now she's inches from his face? great. juno didn't have rihanna's money and paid the price by being shoved against the empty seat. it clatters pretty loudly but hopefully the... chatter of the lunch room keeps anyone from noticing this increasingly alarming situation. ]

uuuuuhh...ff? [ she's. going to. slowly stand. ] He's very Indiana Jones.

[ GOD THIS IS SO DUMB? THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF INFILTRATION, GANG... ]

[ rose honestly can't even with you people. she'll whisper back to adrien. ]

Just offer to buy him more apple juice. He'll go willingly.

[ unaware of his sister SELLING HIM OUT dave just. responds to the people talking at a volume he can hear... ]

Archaeology, really? I wanna go into that. Well, Paleontology. Close, though.

[ ok real q why didn't they think of rose's aj plan. what the fuck. ]

Wow, look at that? Match made in heaven! When's the wedding? [ winks, finger gun.

is she doxxing or just awkwardly saying words in an attempt to be chill even she's not sure ]

[GUYS STOP USING WORDS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND??? Also grimacing at the word wedding.]

Never again. Pretty sure all my formal robes got ruined anyway, thank fucking god.

[AND THEN HE IS RUDELY KICKED??? Judar just keeps a friendly and cheerful smile firmly on his face while subtly shifting to block Rose's view of the table behind them...

...and a small gust of wind lifts the mashed potatoes off of the poor fake student's tray behind him to smack against Adrien's hair.]

[he was about to offer dave some new apple juice when he suddenly got food fighted. at first adrien takes a deep breath with the smile still on his face]

Thanks for the advice. 'Scuse me for a second.

[Adrien grabs one of Dave's apple juice boxes, turns around rapidly and squeezes it at Judar's face, lovingly. hopefully spraying him, but even if he misses it's a two in one deal as he turns back to dave:]

Sorry about that. He's rotten to the core. [ba-dum-tssshhh] Why don't you come with us, Juno'll get you a new one?

[and he'll KILL JUDAR]

Well, you have to spend a semester in a dark room identify dead things' bones for both, right?

[ ... and then a mini food fight commences. yuno moves so that adrien can smoothly grab the juice box, hiding her laugh behind a hand. ]

You know, I've got a recipe for homemade aj I could share, actually. [ she kind of hopes that maybe homemade apple juice will jog his memory. that maybe ~the power of love~ totally conquers all. as it stands they're in a lunch room and adrien and judar are having a food fight tho? ]

[ rose can't even with you people STILL ]

Seriously? [ dave however brightens at the apple juice offer, glancing back at rose - who does a complicated thing with her eyebrows and eyes like they're conversing without saying anything before dave shrugs and stands. ]]

We should probs split before we get detention, anyway. Dunno what it's like in your school, but food fights actually get you sent to boringsville here.

[ roxy's not even surprised that judar and adrien are hitting each other with food, bc of course they are.

for the sake of being helpful, roxy finally remembers her invisibility just so she can quietly grab a guy's pudding and throw it at fake rose. she also tosses a plate of spaghetti at judar and adrien because she can. then hurrying back to where she was standing and reappearing. ]

Oh no! You better go to the bathroom, before that gets stuck in your hair, hun. [ because they. probably should keep rose from following, right. ] Well, boringsville sounds like bullshit, so skedaddling sounds like a great idea.

[well apparently they need to keep who they are a secret from rose for some reason so HE JUST GETS HIT STRAIGHT IN THE FACE WITH THAT JUICE

Just. Wiping it off while behind him, the food fight suddenly gets a lot more intense as a mini-tornado begins whipping food at everyone. If tornados can actually be summoned in schools. Which clearly they can't, so it's obviously just kids being really into foodfighting!!]

Wait, it can get even more boring than -- uh, I mean, yeah we should totally run for it. Looks like it's only getting worse from here, and we don't want to [choke] get into trouble.

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