parodeity | cradle

cradle

[ entering dave's cradle will drop everyone in the middle of really really normal suburbia. it's a town in washington. texas is great and all, but it's linked to bro in dave's mind, and bro doesn't exist here. instead there's rose and her mom, john and his dad, jade and her (not dead) grandpa. he's not dave strider because in a perfect world he's not part of any of bro's legacy. he's dave lalonde because rose is the only family member he knows he adores without reserve. he can't remember roxy here, after all.

more specifically than "suburbia" though, you'll get dropped into high school. which dave is attending. if you spot him in the halls, he's most likely hanging out with rose, john, and jade. there's a very easy and real friendship between the four of them, and that isn't even a thing his cradle has to fake: it's always been there, but he's been cut off from any part of it ever since he got into this murder game thing. when he speaks to any of the three it's with a small smile usually, and the easy rapport involves teasing one another and generally acting like they've been doing this their whole lives.

also, he's not actually wearing shades. like, at all. so enjoy his red eyes for however long that lasts.

and someone wanted lunch to be a thing in highschool so dave's definitely going to snag a table with rose and wait for john and jade to get their lunches. dave's lunch seems to be pb&j and two apple juice boxes. rose is chatting with him about her last period (english) and he's only vaguely paying attention as he taps out a beat on the table with one of his apple juice straws. ]

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[ you know what's going to occur to roxy once they're done with all this? that she could have used her invisibility powers here. but too late for that now. ]

Hooooly shit she's Dirk. [ that's more muttered to herself than to the team since what. but crap, that also means virtual rose is a Smart. is there anyway to program a distation to lure rose away into this bs.

but okay let's see if she has any acting ability or if we're going to need to peter pan this shit. or matrix it? or roxy could pull a marty mcfly, actually. but for now, she pokes her head out and ]

I'm Ro-- Rihanna Agreste, from France like my little brother Adrien here. [ pats adrien's. shoulder. they're both blonde and french and this is twilight so they're rosalie and jasper now oops ] I'm a big fan of your blog, Mr Strider! We're all fans. It's very popular overseas! ... Can we have an autograph?

[Judar's smile stays firmly pasted on his face, but judging from the impatient shift of his feet and the flare of irritation in his eyes, he's about two seconds away from going 'fuck it' and signing on to Yuno's plan to kidnap Dave.]

Judar. [does he need a last name too shit] Uh...Judar Ren. And yeah, we're huge fans of your...blaugh? [what the fuck is that time to make a wild guess and hope he strikes gold] Especially the comics, those are hilarious. We should totally exchange tips or trade art. Soon. Like, now would be awesome.

[if this doesn't work he's just going to summon a blizzard and chuck a snowball at adrien's face tbh]

[if he could loudly hiss no on kidnapping without grabbing attention he would, but the face he makes at roxy's "rihanna agreste" is probably enough of a tell. that's. that's not even french. he's dying, squirtle.

also the slow mounting realization that half this party has no idea how regular teenagers work. "your blaugh is a big hit overseas". this is how and when rose kills them. adrien will lean closer to rose to whisper at her and try to salvage this:]

Sorry, my sister and Judar aren't very good at this, but they're trying to cover for our friend. She's got a huge crush on your brother and wanted to talk to him one-on-one, but she doesn't want to say it so bluntly, and in front of other people, too. It's a whole culture thing, I think?

[it's easier to lie when it's to someone's mental construct of their twin sisters and it's like, half truth.]

[ oh shit is that a murderous tone yuno detects? what the fuck. what's going on here. dave's hot twin sister is immediately suspicious. does dave have some weird incestuous thing for her? holy shit. that's kind of infuriating. how is that happening? why is this happening to her, specifically. oh my god.

oh my god.

yuno has to kill everyone in this room.

that's the only solution here. yes, that'll work. dave will see everything is fake including this version of his sister and then they can all go back to the ship and-- ]

Adrien!!

[ nnnnnever mind. adrien blurts out that yuno has a crush on dave and like. true. fair. she totally does. but when someone else says it... ]

恥ずかし...

[ well, then she gets to play up the embarrassed foreign exchange student who buries her face in her hands and mutters something in her native language. hopefully it's as cute as she hopes it is; she's even wearing the just barely too long for her sweater. does it make her seem smaller? more vulnerable? yuno is desperate here ]

I... Yuno. My name's Yuno Gasai. [ BUT WAIT, everyone else has... fake names. except adrien because yuno spoiled his, sorry. ] It's spelled with a J instead of a Y, though. [ nailed it juno gasai has landed. at least it's not rihanna, she supposes. ] I... It's true, though. I've really.... wanted to talk to you. I'm so strange, I'm sorry, I came on too strong, didn't I? Please forgive me.

[ yuno rose is like, super gay, there's nothing incestuous going on they're just really close as they're best friends and also siblings. luckily adrien defuses rose's wariness, which had only gotten worse when judar claimed they were all fans of dave's blog because.

sbahj???? really?????? she reads every update but she's related to dave and has to. so.

but the whole "i'm sorry they suck it's a crush they're trying to help" angle? that rose can buy more than, uh, dave's blog actually having irl fans. goddamnit rose. ]

Their stealth could use some work. Getting Dave alone isn't actually that difficult, however - you could just - [ she responds equally low-voiced before casually reaching out and smacking dave's hand away when he uses the whispered conversation as an opportunity to try to steal more of her food.

and then yuno just uh

brings dave's attention to what's going on here since he missed the whispers while focusing on his ipod? ]

Uh, what? No, it's chill. Y'all can sit with us for lunch if you want, the Harleyberts won't care. Yuno-with-a-J - like Juno? Isn't that like, the queen of the gods or something.

For the Roman pantheon, yes. Your lockdown on useless trivia is as spot on as ever.

I try.

[ in the distance luke castellan chokes on something at the mention of gods.

this is why adrien is team captain the rest of them are a disaster. and it was either rihanna or rhonda, there were no good choices here?? she's not actually french ok how should she know.

she'll just. lightly shove "juno" at dave. love conquers all etc. ]

Juno? Are we seriously--

[Whoops, he probably should have whispered that, huh. Hopefully Dave and Rose will interpret it as him being hugely embarrassed over how awkward this is as opposed to just barfing at true love. Can't he just prove Rose wrong and shove sbahj and shitty art into Dave's face until he remembers instead!!]

I mean. Yeah, that's exactly [hrrk] what's happening here. Whoops, I guess you caught us. We just couldn't let poor Juno [gag] pine forever, it was getting pathetic.

[WHY ARE THEY GIVING FAKE NAMES? WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS? HE JUST WANTS DAVE TO MOVE SLIGHTLY AWAY FROM EVERYONE ELSE. he just. without looking back, kicks at judar. he deserves it. he keeps smiling at rose, a bit sheepish, still in his whisper convo:]

You can see the issue, right? [the entire world can see the issue. they are a Mess.] So, how would you go about...?

[he can't believe he's at the point where he's bargaining with a construct of dave's mind by going with the romance option. what is his life.]

[ why the fuck did she give juno like... fuck okay it's an appropriate joke, but. ]

Yeah. My dad's an [ uh. ] archaeologist. He's... all about that stu--[ except then ro-- rihanna pushes her closer to dave and like. okay. guess this is happening. juno the japanese exchange student is getting shoved at dave and now she's inches from his face? great. juno didn't have rihanna's money and paid the price by being shoved against the empty seat. it clatters pretty loudly but hopefully the... chatter of the lunch room keeps anyone from noticing this increasingly alarming situation. ]

uuuuuhh...ff? [ she's. going to. slowly stand. ] He's very Indiana Jones.

[ GOD THIS IS SO DUMB? THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF INFILTRATION, GANG... ]

[ rose honestly can't even with you people. she'll whisper back to adrien. ]

Just offer to buy him more apple juice. He'll go willingly.

[ unaware of his sister SELLING HIM OUT dave just. responds to the people talking at a volume he can hear... ]

Archaeology, really? I wanna go into that. Well, Paleontology. Close, though.

[ ok real q why didn't they think of rose's aj plan. what the fuck. ]

Wow, look at that? Match made in heaven! When's the wedding? [ winks, finger gun.

is she doxxing or just awkwardly saying words in an attempt to be chill even she's not sure ]

[GUYS STOP USING WORDS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND??? Also grimacing at the word wedding.]

Never again. Pretty sure all my formal robes got ruined anyway, thank fucking god.

[AND THEN HE IS RUDELY KICKED??? Judar just keeps a friendly and cheerful smile firmly on his face while subtly shifting to block Rose's view of the table behind them...

...and a small gust of wind lifts the mashed potatoes off of the poor fake student's tray behind him to smack against Adrien's hair.]

[he was about to offer dave some new apple juice when he suddenly got food fighted. at first adrien takes a deep breath with the smile still on his face]

Thanks for the advice. 'Scuse me for a second.

[Adrien grabs one of Dave's apple juice boxes, turns around rapidly and squeezes it at Judar's face, lovingly. hopefully spraying him, but even if he misses it's a two in one deal as he turns back to dave:]

Sorry about that. He's rotten to the core. [ba-dum-tssshhh] Why don't you come with us, Juno'll get you a new one?

[and he'll KILL JUDAR]

Well, you have to spend a semester in a dark room identify dead things' bones for both, right?

[ ... and then a mini food fight commences. yuno moves so that adrien can smoothly grab the juice box, hiding her laugh behind a hand. ]

You know, I've got a recipe for homemade aj I could share, actually. [ she kind of hopes that maybe homemade apple juice will jog his memory. that maybe ~the power of love~ totally conquers all. as it stands they're in a lunch room and adrien and judar are having a food fight tho? ]

[ rose can't even with you people STILL ]

Seriously? [ dave however brightens at the apple juice offer, glancing back at rose - who does a complicated thing with her eyebrows and eyes like they're conversing without saying anything before dave shrugs and stands. ]]

We should probs split before we get detention, anyway. Dunno what it's like in your school, but food fights actually get you sent to boringsville here.

[ roxy's not even surprised that judar and adrien are hitting each other with food, bc of course they are.

for the sake of being helpful, roxy finally remembers her invisibility just so she can quietly grab a guy's pudding and throw it at fake rose. she also tosses a plate of spaghetti at judar and adrien because she can. then hurrying back to where she was standing and reappearing. ]

Oh no! You better go to the bathroom, before that gets stuck in your hair, hun. [ because they. probably should keep rose from following, right. ] Well, boringsville sounds like bullshit, so skedaddling sounds like a great idea.

[well apparently they need to keep who they are a secret from rose for some reason so HE JUST GETS HIT STRAIGHT IN THE FACE WITH THAT JUICE

Just. Wiping it off while behind him, the food fight suddenly gets a lot more intense as a mini-tornado begins whipping food at everyone. If tornados can actually be summoned in schools. Which clearly they can't, so it's obviously just kids being really into foodfighting!!]

Wait, it can get even more boring than -- uh, I mean, yeah we should totally run for it. Looks like it's only getting worse from here, and we don't want to [choke] get into trouble.

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cradle

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