i don't need that long i just want time not to pass for a little while when i'm awake at this hour i can't help but think maybe i made a wrong decision
[ In five minutes, she'll sitting on her front porch wrapped in a blanket. Next to her is a pile of three blankets that Dave can choose from if he wants them. Her mother will be dead asleep, and she's sure Li-Na won't be disturbed either.
It's not like she plans to make that much of a commotion while talking to Dave. When she sees him arrive, she'll smile. It's smaller than usual, but it's there. ]
Hi, Dave.
[ Because that's how you greet someone when you ask them to meet you in the middle of the night. ]
[ dave will come and sit by her. he's in jeans and a too-large sweatshirt, a darker green, and he'll sit close enough that his arm knocks into hers. usually he sits further away. but. ]
Hey, Sunshine. You're not usually up this late, are you?
[ She notices, and she appreciates it. She gently bumps his arm with her own. ]
Hehe, no, I'm not. I like to sleep and wake up early when I can. Sometimes, I stay up if I'm really close to finishing a drawing or I'm marathoning something, but...
[ That's obviously not the case tonight. Fiction can't distract her enough. ]
[ Tears sting at her eyes. It's not something she would have asked of Dave and that he would bring it up himself makes her realize again how much she loves him. She meant it when she said he's her favorite person after all her family members, and it's never been so clearly illustrated as in those two simple sentences.
She hiccups. ]
Oh, Dave. I... I knew Yukine was going to die eventually. I was told he would. I was asked to keep it a secret from him so he wouldn't be.... triggered into dying sooner. [ As getting so many memories tends to come with a lot of changes. Yato made a lot of sense when he made that argument, and she couldn't disagree too much. ] I didn't know how he would die. I th-thought he'd just suddenly wake up to be a spirit, you know, and not... n-not like.... [ She's pretty sure Yukine's death was in the news. ] Not like how he died. Every since it happened, I wondered... Should have I told him anyway?
[ It's not something she can change, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have regrets, that she doesn't carry guilt. ]
Edited (string is not sting....) 2018-04-15 05:49 (UTC)
[ oh. oh no, chiyo is crying, fuck. after a pause dave slings an arm over her shoulders, dragging her fully into his side, and he thinks about it. ]
I don't think that's the kind of question with an answer, you know? Because if he'd known, I don't know if that would have triggered it back, maybe. I haven't heard of physical stuff happening like that. But - he might have been...less happy, with what time he had before he came back. [ he's just assuming. ] And it wouldn't have been anything he could do shit about. Even what happened, it wasn't a thing that anyone could do something about. It was just...god, it just sucked?
[ Her arms automatically go around Dave in a hug and she presses her face against him. ]
It really, really sucks. [ That's an immediate gloomy answer. ] I wanted him to happy for as long as possible, but it's... such a heavy secret. Even if it couldn't be helped... Even if it can't be changed, even if there's no right answer...
[ Should Yukine have been given the option to know, at the very least? Dave's right. Chiyo's sure Yukine would have been miserable if he'd known. How do you grapple with your upcoming death? She doesn't know. She can't know. She's thought she could've died last August, but that's different from knowing you will die, you will be dead, you will be a ghost. You will be forgotten.
(He has been forgotten.)
But... ]
He would've been less happy, but he could've been prepared. That's... what I think sometimes. Times like this.
Not really. I mean...knowing you will die doesn't prepare you for it.
[ there is the weight of a certain heavy knowledge in his voice. dave has died, has known he would die, and the knowing did not make any of it easier. he'd known it was coming so many of the times it had, and yet that had not made dying any easier or less terrible. ]
...At least if you don't know it's coming, it's just a thing that happens. Not also a thing you dreaded until it came.
[ Chiyo's arms hug Dave a little tighter. She hears his tone change and makes the assumption. She wants to ask him a question, but she won't. If Dave wants to tell her, he will, and she will always be ready to listen to him. She decided long ago from little things he's said that she wouldn't ask him point blank. (Is that the better choice for Dave? She doesn't know.)
The knot in her stomach because of Yukine starts to loosen. ]
Dying is terrible no matter what. [ That's not something she'll ever argue. ] But... if he doesn't dread it.... if he didn't have to dread it, if he can't really be prepared, then... maybe not telling was the better choice?
[ None of them are good choices, but one of them is easier to swallow. ]
Sometimes there ain't really "good" choices, or ones that don't hurt you somehow. But I don't think it's on you at all for doin' what was asked, and I do get why you got asked not to tell him. I think you did right by what you knew and what you were told.
[ there's no way to make this better. not with someone dead, even if they're still around. ]
What you can do now is...be there, I guess. It helps, you know? To have someone there.
[ She nods. There's nothing she disagrees with. She knows in her head all the fault can't lie with her, but her heart doesn't hold onto that concept as hard. ]
Thanks, Dave. [ She breathes out. It's not relief, but it is a sense of release, something akin to uplifting. All she needed was to hear someone say that she did her best with what she was given. ] At least being there is one of the things I'm good at? [ She laughs a little. ] If that's what it takes to help anyone, I'll be around as much as I'm needed.
I'm pretty sure it's basically a superpower. Especially when people can get so caught up in their own shit, you know? What they remember or don't can catch them and not let 'em go.
You think so? Is a better power than being sunshine? [ She pulls away and waves a hand, dismissing her own joke. ] I think it helps me that none of my memories are that world changing. It's easier to try to look after people that way.
[ If being normal can help ground people getting lost in their memories and the changes that come with them, she doesn't mind it. ]
At first, I did. I don't need to... see everything everyone else does, but it can be hard to relate sometimes? To... know what to say. [ It also gets a little lonely. ]
I thought it would be easier to help if I were more like everyone else, but... I think we can all help one way or another, no matter what our memories are like. It's about what we can do now, with what we know now, not about what we did once upon a time. That once upon a time should help us be who we are now.
[ That's what she's trying to think, what she's trying to believe. She doesn't want to reject their reality (both realities). It's the way she thinks will bring the most comfort, if not the most happiness. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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dave that's dangerous to say to me
but maybe i wasn't completely kidding?
how long can you stop time?
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an hour
but i can make it longer by looping around which is cheating
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i just want time not to pass for a little while
when i'm awake at this hour i can't help but think maybe i made a wrong decision
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i can come over if you want
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will you?
please?
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ill be there in five minutes
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It's not like she plans to make that much of a commotion while talking to Dave. When she sees him arrive, she'll smile. It's smaller than usual, but it's there. ]
Hi, Dave.
[ Because that's how you greet someone when you ask them to meet you in the middle of the night. ]
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Hey, Sunshine. You're not usually up this late, are you?
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Hehe, no, I'm not. I like to sleep and wake up early when I can. Sometimes, I stay up if I'm really close to finishing a drawing or I'm marathoning something, but...
[ That's obviously not the case tonight. Fiction can't distract her enough. ]
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[ or sit in silence, he means. ]
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[ She knows Dave will, but she needs a verbal affirmation. ]
I was told to keep it a secret.
[ From Yukine specifically, but. ]
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[ it's an easy promise to make, and one he's pretty certain john wouldn't begrudge him making. ]
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She hiccups. ]
Oh, Dave. I... I knew Yukine was going to die eventually. I was told he would. I was asked to keep it a secret from him so he wouldn't be.... triggered into dying sooner. [ As getting so many memories tends to come with a lot of changes. Yato made a lot of sense when he made that argument, and she couldn't disagree too much. ] I didn't know how he would die. I th-thought he'd just suddenly wake up to be a spirit, you know, and not... n-not like.... [ She's pretty sure Yukine's death was in the news. ] Not like how he died. Every since it happened, I wondered... Should have I told him anyway?
[ It's not something she can change, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have regrets, that she doesn't carry guilt. ]
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I don't think that's the kind of question with an answer, you know? Because if he'd known, I don't know if that would have triggered it back, maybe. I haven't heard of physical stuff happening like that. But - he might have been...less happy, with what time he had before he came back. [ he's just assuming. ] And it wouldn't have been anything he could do shit about. Even what happened, it wasn't a thing that anyone could do something about. It was just...god, it just sucked?
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It really, really sucks. [ That's an immediate gloomy answer. ] I wanted him to happy for as long as possible, but it's... such a heavy secret. Even if it couldn't be helped... Even if it can't be changed, even if there's no right answer...
[ Should Yukine have been given the option to know, at the very least? Dave's right. Chiyo's sure Yukine would have been miserable if he'd known. How do you grapple with your upcoming death? She doesn't know. She can't know. She's thought she could've died last August, but that's different from knowing you will die, you will be dead, you will be a ghost. You will be forgotten.
(He has been forgotten.)
But... ]
He would've been less happy, but he could've been prepared. That's... what I think sometimes. Times like this.
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[ there is the weight of a certain heavy knowledge in his voice. dave has died, has known he would die, and the knowing did not make any of it easier. he'd known it was coming so many of the times it had, and yet that had not made dying any easier or less terrible. ]
...At least if you don't know it's coming, it's just a thing that happens. Not also a thing you dreaded until it came.
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The knot in her stomach because of Yukine starts to loosen. ]
Dying is terrible no matter what. [ That's not something she'll ever argue. ] But... if he doesn't dread it.... if he didn't have to dread it, if he can't really be prepared, then... maybe not telling was the better choice?
[ None of them are good choices, but one of them is easier to swallow. ]
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[ there's no way to make this better. not with someone dead, even if they're still around. ]
What you can do now is...be there, I guess. It helps, you know? To have someone there.
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Thanks, Dave. [ She breathes out. It's not relief, but it is a sense of release, something akin to uplifting. All she needed was to hear someone say that she did her best with what she was given. ] At least being there is one of the things I'm good at? [ She laughs a little. ] If that's what it takes to help anyone, I'll be around as much as I'm needed.
[ It's the least she can do. ]
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[ If being normal can help ground people getting lost in their memories and the changes that come with them, she doesn't mind it. ]
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I thought it would be easier to help if I were more like everyone else, but... I think we can all help one way or another, no matter what our memories are like. It's about what we can do now, with what we know now, not about what we did once upon a time. That once upon a time should help us be who we are now.
[ That's what she's trying to think, what she's trying to believe. She doesn't want to reject their reality (both realities). It's the way she thinks will bring the most comfort, if not the most happiness. ]
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Is that your professional opinion?
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