I...ignored her advice for a long time. We talked. She told me it was okay and I told her it wasn't. For a long time I thought it wasn't and I argued with her a lot.
A lot of self-loathing mostly. Self-loathing and just...internalized disgust that I couldn't keep the lines separate. Nanna and I used to fight about Vic, too. Or I guess I would fight and she'd talk to me in her own Nanna way.
I mean, it ain't like I don't get it. You're not fifty fifty. I got it back then too or figured you just weren't - wouldn't, whatever. All I minded was the whole - kind of halfway dating me without dating me thing.
Which was also really unfair. You're a person, not broccoli.
[Whatever.] I shouldn't have tried dating you without dating you and Nanna told me it was fine if I was interested in guys and I kind of told her not to have dumb ideas.
You know that doesn't even make sense, right? Then again I can definitely compare you to an apple if you want me to, it's not like you don't have apple traits.
Well, if you ever have to metaphor it up again. [ a shrug. ] I'm not, like. Angry. About it. I've said. I mean - I can't say it didn't fuck with me, but that wasn't on you. I was just, you know. The sort of fucked up you get when you know someone doesn't like you back?
I am very familiar with that kind of fucked up, yes. I think I took it out wrong on pretty much everybody and then around the same time I remembered my dad being dead in the other universe and screaming about bird you and yeah pretty much everything was just a mess.
At first, I did. I don't need to... see everything everyone else does, but it can be hard to relate sometimes? To... know what to say. [ It also gets a little lonely. ]
I thought it would be easier to help if I were more like everyone else, but... I think we can all help one way or another, no matter what our memories are like. It's about what we can do now, with what we know now, not about what we did once upon a time. That once upon a time should help us be who we are now.
[ That's what she's trying to think, what she's trying to believe. She doesn't want to reject their reality (both realities). It's the way she thinks will bring the most comfort, if not the most happiness. ]
[He rolls his eyes.] It was just a couple of different girls in high school, nothing that matters now. But the point is it sucks. I didn't mean to fuck you up like that.
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