parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

[He can't really read that. He knows he isn't supposed to be able to, and that stings in its own way. He has to go on anyway. From his perspective, he has to give it everything he has. The rest will just have to be on Dave.

So he talks. Dave called him out for not having one-word answers, and he knows he can talk out dissertations. But he really, really wants to put all of his cards on the table. If he doesn't, he doesn't know what he'll lose.]

I already told you that he saved my life as an infant, Cal the floatation device. I don't remember coming across the high rise my Bro left me, but I must've crawled up with Cal in tow. It's possible I thought I was saving his life the way he saved mine.

The rest I can get out of that time was memories of me, him, the SBAHJ plushes you left me, and glimpses of Roxy through my window on Derse. I think it must've taken me a while to figure out that I needed to drag home the sleepfloating baby outside my tower, and I know I had little sense of it when I was awake, but in retrospect I imagine that was formative in helping my mind distinguish from a living human, like me and Roxy, and something inanimate like Cal and the plushes.

It didn't matter much from my perspective because Roxy was only in my dreams and didn't talk back anyway. In that respect, she wasn't much different from Cal. I still had to move her around, and I couldn't get her to talk. I knew enough not to talk to Dersites, so ultimately Cal was my conversational partner as a child. He was so much larger than I was then that I thought of him as a guardian as well as a friend, and I let him hold my sword for me so he could protect me when I couldn't. I crafted a personality for him made out of what I wanted to be and what I couldn't admit to. Cal was afraid of the storms so that I could comfort myself by comforting him. Cal hated being left behind when I went fishing so I could bring him with me to make myself less lonely. In that sense, he was my first splinter, and one that came from many of the same motivations that drove my creation of the auto-responder. It was probably the primary coping mechanism that kept me from turning into even more of a Harlow monkey than I ended up being.

I built robots to have friends that could move themselves, at least to a degree, and eventually I met Roxy, Jane, and Jake. I didn't need Cal as much, but I still liked to have him nearby. I still snuggled up against him for a long nap and told him everything. Even then, he helped me face everything that I couldn't bear, all the vulnerabilities I felt but couldn't share when facing the excitement and terror of interacting with living people for the first time. I always had a sense of security with him. He was the first in the fragments of myself that I'd built up to make myself less lonely and less weak, and he couldn't ever be replaced.

I lost him during the chaos of trying to get into the game. [He is still talking in a calm and even monotone, but for the first time, a little frown draws his eyebrows closer together. He keeps going.] I think he fell into the ocean and I didn't have time when all my friends were dead or knocked out or both. That took priority.

[Time is dead kids. Cal was lost but he'd have his friends. He thought it would be okay.

It wasn't okay. They were Nobles, not Heroes. And while sitting around waiting for the real heroes to arrive, they made disasters of themselves.]

I don't blame the complete catastrophe I made out of all of my relationships on Cal's absence. But if we do consider him my first splinter, then the AR made a poor substitute splinter for all the insecurities that ended up driving Jake away. I ended up feeling alone, and this time I didn't have my first saviour to fall back on.

Initially I was happy when I saw him here. I still love him, and I still owe him my life and my sanity. It was a relief to have that ultimate security back in my arms for another snuggle.

[It's a stupid thing to say about a puppet and he knows it. It is also completely true. Cal saved him, and Dirk loves him. That's just how it is.

His eyes have glanced away from Dave in the retelling, flickering back now and then to witness Dave's reaction but drifting away in trying to recall. Now they come back to Dave, alert and focused. Still calm. This is important. He doesn't know if Dave will believe him or accept what he has to say. He knows what he has settled on, he knows what doing it right means. All he can do is share what he found.]

I don't want to kill Cal. I love him and he's my friend. But I think I can do without the puppet. You're right that I can't keep burning off splinters of myself, and I made Cal into a splinter before I even knew what I was doing. It would be a mistake to just destroy him, and you shouldn't have to carry the weight of me doing that to myself.

But I think it would be a step forward if I took that splinter back into myself. I know you don't want me to hurt myself for you, so I won't try to convince you I should. What I'm hoping to do is to own up to my own vulnerabilities and desires, the ones I put into Cal. If I have that, I've taken back the friend I made out of him.

Then I'd like to have a nice funeral for the puppet that carried all of that for me all of those years.

[He hopes Dave believes this. He wants Dave to believe it. But even if he doesn't, even if he can't have faith, it's okay. Jake promised to come to the burning. He has to do this, but it can't be something that he has to do. So it isn't. It's his choice instead.

A little suggestion of amusement flickers at the corners of his mouth. He hopes Dave can handle this much pretentiousness.]

This is all metaphorical soul-searching bullshit, but that is basically my domain as a Heart player and I genuinely think I found the right way forward for us. I'm not trying to manipulate the situation or frame it nicely. You're right not to want me to cut off parts of myself for you, just as I'm right to want to stop you from suffering for my sake. Somewhere between the first and second hour of hating Charlie Kaufman, it occurred to me that the options aren't mutually exclusive to a sufficiently creative and definitely pretentious mind.

[He reaches out. He wants to hold his brother's hand.]

Neither of us has to suffer for the other, Dave. We're okay.

Edited 2016-08-14 20:18 (UTC)

[ he lets dirk's voice flow over him and focuses on remaining still. sometimes when they talk dave taps out a beat on his leg or nods along or keeps moving in some small way even if he's calm and chill but he just focuses on not moving for the moment because dave doesn't really want dirk to have something to go off of if it's going to encourage him to do...this.

he can't stop it. he knows he can't stop it because it's a new angle of attack (dirk specifically said it wasn't, dave) and it's still not a thing dirk would be doing if dave weren't there and he's still stuck on the way dirk was last time they talked about it, hitting the point that it was a sacrifice for dave again and again. dirk hasn't flashstepped around him once since he startled dave when they were talking about ursula's settings, except for when dave mixed the music. he refused to consider the idea of strifing for ages, agreed to stop robo death matches, and just keeps adapting to every little signal dave gives and he can't allow himself to give anything else or maybe dirk will try to destroy something else, too.

when dirk stops talking dave glances at the hand reaching out. he's not sure if he can let himself take it.

the options here still feel mutually exclusive. ]

What if I asked for time to own up to my own vulnerabilities?

[ he drags his knees up to hook his elbows around them, hands clasped. ]

Gimme a month. Before you do this.

[ a month and whatever else he loops in because he can make it last to infinity if he has to in order to figure out a way to be at peace with cal. ]

[It isn't a 'no.' Dirk doesn't know if it's something he can trust anyway. Dave is a liar. Dave is a cheater. Dave doesn't play fair, and that's because of him, in the end, that was what he was taught to do because that's how Dirk raised him.

Not Dirk. Bro, not Dirk. Him but not him, and a splinter of himself is still himself, but he wants to be better than what he was, and he thinks that maybe that means not taking everything on himself. If Dave was trying it would be enough but Dirk doesn't know, Dirk can't tell if he's trying. The way he won't let Dirk read anything makes him think Dave isn't.

(It's his fault. It's his fault. Dirk fucked all of this up. This is all his fault.)

Can he force Dave's hand? If he went after him now—he shouldn't. He shouldn't try to make him see it like this. He can never leave things alone, he just wants Dave to be happier, safer, but he needs to stop. Except it's harder with Dave because Dirk's instincts keep telling him to stop Dave, don't push yourself too far don't play that song, and Dirk keeps ignoring them and everything goes to shit.]

Okay, I'll wait a month. I'll move Cal to Mountain Island until then.

[He drops his sword out of his sylladex then. It's the same sword, but it's so different. The hilt is the same, the length and shape of it. But the sword has a rusty hue instead of its gleaming silver, and where it moves an electric crackle of ozone fills the air. This is Dirk's sword, from Dirk's world. It has been remade to Dirk's own desires.]

I was thinking you owe me some Strifing lessons after putting me through all this shit. After all the work Loki put into rebuilding and improving it, I'm ready to put it to some use.

[ he'd like to say no and go find karkat and then maybe rose, but dave already didn't reach out to hold dirk's hand. he has to balance between keeping dirk far enough away dave isn't risking dropping bro issues on him but close enough that dirk doesn't heap self-hate issues on himself. so he just hums an acknowledgement and stands, letting his own sword fall out of his deck. ]

Not on the farm, though, I'm not remotely willin' to risk that.

[ there's not a joking smile to go along with it but he looks pretty calm?? ]

[Dirk gets to his feet too. He passes the sword from one hand to the other, once, twice. He lets it settle in his grip and tries out a few swings.]

Okay.

[There's a blur of motion—electric crackle near a tree—Dirk is standing exactly where he was, with the sword gone and a handful of apples in his arms. There are a few oranges, too.

He captchalogues the oranges, but he tosses the apples over to Dave, all but one.]

Not now, dude. We can do it tomorrow, or whenever you're up for it? There isn't any need to rush.

[He drops the last apple into his own sylladex. He is going to eat that later.]

Just so you know, I'm fuckin' furious with you for what you're doing to me right now. What you're pulling will cause more damage than what you're trying to stop.

[Dirk takes his shades out of his sylladex and slips them on, but pushes them so they're in his hair for now. He isn't hiding his eyes from Dave. He's just getting ready to go back to Base.]

I love you, Dave. I'm gonna go hang with Rox and Jake for a while, but I'll always want to talk if you do. You can just drop me a line.

[ he doesn't flinch. the calm is from being ridiculously wary so he doesn't flinch, so dave absolutely doesn't flinch when dirk flashsteps. his grip on his sword doesn't even shift.

the sword does disappear when apples are incoming, but he just throws those towards his sylladex, too. ]

You say that, but you've got some of the facts wrong.

[ bro was obsessed with the hellpuppet and dave's pretty sure killing the thing would have broken an already broken man. he's not okay with the idea of allowing dirk to do that for his sake, and he still doesn't buy it's for dirk's sake.

he shrugs. ]

I love you too. If we still disagree when the month's up, I'll drop it.

[ he won't forget it and isn't about to allow himself to freak out about anything else, but if he just has enough time, he can fix it, can't he? just. fix himself. he has time. ]

Three weeks four days five hours and thirty-three seconds. Btw.

[ dirk said he wanted to know later and since this conversation seems to be done dave will at least not hide that part from him ]

[Dirk is quiet for a moment. He thinks about saying something nasty. He decides not to.]

You owe me a hug.

[ honestly he'd expect something nasty. karkat's going to try to strangle him or something? and that's discounting how much dave already knows he's going to be timelooping in the very near future.

he decides karkat doesn't need to know about that plan. ]

You sure you want one? I might drop out of your personal continuity of a month.

[ he'll warn dirk, at least. ]

Mildly worried about P Diddy, so I probs would anyway.

I already knew you would.

[Dave cheats. He turned two hours into almost a month. Dirk has no idea how long he might make a month, and he's tempted to snap at him, to tell him why not just do it now and you can make an infinity happen in between.]

I'm sure I want a hug. You can tell me who P Diddy is when you come home.

[ because it's "might", dirk. he'll try to deal with cal existing without the extra time, but he already knows he'll probably need to cheat. ]

A'ight. [ he does step forward, but the hug dirk asked for is going to be awkward and loose. ] I'm only going to find Karkat right now, though. I'm not cheating for no reason.

[It's a bad hug. Dirk knows it. He decides not to accept it, and so he drags Dave in tight, buries his face into his shoulder, tries to tell him how much he cares about him in a only semi-figurative death grip.]

I've never known you to cheat for no reason. Your reasons are often stupid or based on false premises, but they're never totally absent.

...This one isn't stupid, though. I can't just let people shelter me for fucking ever or run away from everything.

[ like, he's using time loops to run, but it's in the hope he'll eventually stay. ]

I figured out how I feel about the sword. I don't think closure is a thing you get by making the shit that happened not exist, or the things that remind you of it. I don't know if you ever get it, but I do know that it's fucking stupid to let other people deal with my own shit, so you're not allowed. That's it.

[ he's never actually wanted to bother to try to face up to his own shit because it's so easy to just never talk about it and pretend nothing ever happened and ignore it. even when he's attempting to do something about it, dave can't face up to it without halfway running away.

but he definitely can't ask for help when he knows asking for help would result in getting too much, can he? so.

his grip doesn't tighten, like he can't decide if he's staying or going, but he doesn't move. ]

Dude. I fuckin' hated that sword.

[Dave doesn't have to grip tighter. Dirk is holding onto him, and he isn't letting go. After all of that, he needs this. He's clingy and needy, he knows it. He's desperate to keep what he loves as close as possible. Right now he doesn't feel bad about doing just that.]

It was like the uncanny valley come manifest. It was technically right in every way, but no matter how I used it it never truly felt right. That sword seriously creeped me out.

It's true that I asked to get rid of it because I was freaked out about what happened. But when I talked to Loki about my old sword and we worked out how to repair it into something new, I was ultimately much more satisfied with what I'd created than I was with the original. I prefer a sword where 'Unbreakable' means that breaking can be reversed to the idea that breaking just isn't acceptable.

I'm not saying you're wrong about closure or whatever. Just... [Lightly, he taps the side of Dave's head with the side of his.] Just that getting rid of your Bro's sword and making something of my own actually helped me, not only with putting space between what one version of me did and who I choose to be. It helped me step past my own tendency to stay absolutely with that my Bro had left to me. Respecting his legacy and what he'd given me while simultaneously making something of my own, you know?

It was pretty cool. I'm happy about it.

It's not about the sword, I know you hated the sword that's why we didn't have this fucking conversation back then.

[ dirk doesn't hate cal. ]

It wasn't your sword to start with and we both know it. And that ain't his puppet.

[ dave...

pulls out of the hug and steps back. ]

[Dirk can't make him stay, so he doesn't.]

That hurt at almost the exact level I expected it to.

[Good to know that the Heart player here has managed to know himself. Without a brother to hug, he settles his hands into his pocket.]

You're right about Cal. He's mine, not your Bro's. He never fucked with your head or got himself equipped to puppetkind for a fight.

[Dave won't listen to Dirk. Dave won't talk to Dirk. That doesn't mean Dirk doesn't know.]

It's okay, Dave. You can trust that I won't do anything until the month is up and we talk about it.

...What hurt?

[ he just. shrugs. at the last comment. since dave is not sure he trusts that but since he supposes he should pretend he trusts it: ]

Yeah, I know. No biggie.

[Dirk doesn't smile. He almost never does. Dave is one of the few people who can consistently get that to break out.]

You pulling away.

[ ...does he mean that figuratively or literally.

dave opts not to ask. ]

It's not all the way.

[Dave, you fucking know.]

It's enough.

[It's too much.]

[ yeah. ]

Yeah. It's exactly enough.

[ dave is a dick, news at eleven

but no he's pretty sure this is the solution. he does not have someone who will talk him through this shitty idea because he doesn't go to people for help often if ever. especially not about this kind of thing. ]

[Haha Dave you know what

you probably have the speed stats you need to catch your brother's punch but he just went for it anyway because fuck you.]

[ he super does

but he just lets it happen without batting an eye and doesn't bother to fight back or let himself get knocked over? just. allows himself to get punched. so. let him know if it helps?

he's going to have to loop a few more days in if this bruises, so karkat won't get upset. ]

[It doesn't help at all? Maybe it would help if Dave fought back. If Dave gave him anything at all. But Dirk, Dirk hates hurting the people he loves, and he cracked and he's angry at himself and he's angry at Dave and he can't do this anymore.

He's shaking. His whole body is trembling.

He makes it stop.]

I'm sorry. That wasn't okay.

[His hands are still fists but now at least he everything still. It's bad in a fighter and it's bad in him and Dave doesn't deserve it, but he sort of fucking does. Dirk is not okay with any of this.]

Med bay has a salve that heals bruises faster.

[ he shrugs one shoulder, expression still neutral, but does reach up to feel around the damage, absently. ]

S'fine. [ it's not, but he's not complaining? because his new plan is just. to do this. and dirk's the only one who's going to notice there's anything off, he's sure, so he just has to perfect it so that isn't the case. ] It'll cut down on the loop time, so I'll get some later.

[ ... ]

Your hand ok?

I'm fine.

[He isn't fine at all. He can feel it building. It's the same thing, it's the same thing all over again. It's Jake a whole planet away, not answering messages, not wanting anything to do with him. It's a lonely apartment in the middle of the ocean after everything has ended. It's holding on to Lil Cal because Dave Strider is too far away.]

Don't worry about it.

[He wants to hold AR in his hands so he can feel the electric burn when he cracks him into pieces.]

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