parodeity | subnautica ic inbox 1.0;

[ he'd like to say no and go find karkat and then maybe rose, but dave already didn't reach out to hold dirk's hand. he has to balance between keeping dirk far enough away dave isn't risking dropping bro issues on him but close enough that dirk doesn't heap self-hate issues on himself. so he just hums an acknowledgement and stands, letting his own sword fall out of his deck. ]

Not on the farm, though, I'm not remotely willin' to risk that.

[ there's not a joking smile to go along with it but he looks pretty calm?? ]

[Dirk gets to his feet too. He passes the sword from one hand to the other, once, twice. He lets it settle in his grip and tries out a few swings.]

Okay.

[There's a blur of motion—electric crackle near a tree—Dirk is standing exactly where he was, with the sword gone and a handful of apples in his arms. There are a few oranges, too.

He captchalogues the oranges, but he tosses the apples over to Dave, all but one.]

Not now, dude. We can do it tomorrow, or whenever you're up for it? There isn't any need to rush.

[He drops the last apple into his own sylladex. He is going to eat that later.]

Just so you know, I'm fuckin' furious with you for what you're doing to me right now. What you're pulling will cause more damage than what you're trying to stop.

[Dirk takes his shades out of his sylladex and slips them on, but pushes them so they're in his hair for now. He isn't hiding his eyes from Dave. He's just getting ready to go back to Base.]

I love you, Dave. I'm gonna go hang with Rox and Jake for a while, but I'll always want to talk if you do. You can just drop me a line.

[ he doesn't flinch. the calm is from being ridiculously wary so he doesn't flinch, so dave absolutely doesn't flinch when dirk flashsteps. his grip on his sword doesn't even shift.

the sword does disappear when apples are incoming, but he just throws those towards his sylladex, too. ]

You say that, but you've got some of the facts wrong.

[ bro was obsessed with the hellpuppet and dave's pretty sure killing the thing would have broken an already broken man. he's not okay with the idea of allowing dirk to do that for his sake, and he still doesn't buy it's for dirk's sake.

he shrugs. ]

I love you too. If we still disagree when the month's up, I'll drop it.

[ he won't forget it and isn't about to allow himself to freak out about anything else, but if he just has enough time, he can fix it, can't he? just. fix himself. he has time. ]

Three weeks four days five hours and thirty-three seconds. Btw.

[ dirk said he wanted to know later and since this conversation seems to be done dave will at least not hide that part from him ]

[Dirk is quiet for a moment. He thinks about saying something nasty. He decides not to.]

You owe me a hug.

[ honestly he'd expect something nasty. karkat's going to try to strangle him or something? and that's discounting how much dave already knows he's going to be timelooping in the very near future.

he decides karkat doesn't need to know about that plan. ]

You sure you want one? I might drop out of your personal continuity of a month.

[ he'll warn dirk, at least. ]

Mildly worried about P Diddy, so I probs would anyway.

I already knew you would.

[Dave cheats. He turned two hours into almost a month. Dirk has no idea how long he might make a month, and he's tempted to snap at him, to tell him why not just do it now and you can make an infinity happen in between.]

I'm sure I want a hug. You can tell me who P Diddy is when you come home.

[ because it's "might", dirk. he'll try to deal with cal existing without the extra time, but he already knows he'll probably need to cheat. ]

A'ight. [ he does step forward, but the hug dirk asked for is going to be awkward and loose. ] I'm only going to find Karkat right now, though. I'm not cheating for no reason.

[It's a bad hug. Dirk knows it. He decides not to accept it, and so he drags Dave in tight, buries his face into his shoulder, tries to tell him how much he cares about him in a only semi-figurative death grip.]

I've never known you to cheat for no reason. Your reasons are often stupid or based on false premises, but they're never totally absent.

...This one isn't stupid, though. I can't just let people shelter me for fucking ever or run away from everything.

[ like, he's using time loops to run, but it's in the hope he'll eventually stay. ]

I figured out how I feel about the sword. I don't think closure is a thing you get by making the shit that happened not exist, or the things that remind you of it. I don't know if you ever get it, but I do know that it's fucking stupid to let other people deal with my own shit, so you're not allowed. That's it.

[ he's never actually wanted to bother to try to face up to his own shit because it's so easy to just never talk about it and pretend nothing ever happened and ignore it. even when he's attempting to do something about it, dave can't face up to it without halfway running away.

but he definitely can't ask for help when he knows asking for help would result in getting too much, can he? so.

his grip doesn't tighten, like he can't decide if he's staying or going, but he doesn't move. ]

Dude. I fuckin' hated that sword.

[Dave doesn't have to grip tighter. Dirk is holding onto him, and he isn't letting go. After all of that, he needs this. He's clingy and needy, he knows it. He's desperate to keep what he loves as close as possible. Right now he doesn't feel bad about doing just that.]

It was like the uncanny valley come manifest. It was technically right in every way, but no matter how I used it it never truly felt right. That sword seriously creeped me out.

It's true that I asked to get rid of it because I was freaked out about what happened. But when I talked to Loki about my old sword and we worked out how to repair it into something new, I was ultimately much more satisfied with what I'd created than I was with the original. I prefer a sword where 'Unbreakable' means that breaking can be reversed to the idea that breaking just isn't acceptable.

I'm not saying you're wrong about closure or whatever. Just... [Lightly, he taps the side of Dave's head with the side of his.] Just that getting rid of your Bro's sword and making something of my own actually helped me, not only with putting space between what one version of me did and who I choose to be. It helped me step past my own tendency to stay absolutely with that my Bro had left to me. Respecting his legacy and what he'd given me while simultaneously making something of my own, you know?

It was pretty cool. I'm happy about it.

It's not about the sword, I know you hated the sword that's why we didn't have this fucking conversation back then.

[ dirk doesn't hate cal. ]

It wasn't your sword to start with and we both know it. And that ain't his puppet.

[ dave...

pulls out of the hug and steps back. ]

[Dirk can't make him stay, so he doesn't.]

That hurt at almost the exact level I expected it to.

[Good to know that the Heart player here has managed to know himself. Without a brother to hug, he settles his hands into his pocket.]

You're right about Cal. He's mine, not your Bro's. He never fucked with your head or got himself equipped to puppetkind for a fight.

[Dave won't listen to Dirk. Dave won't talk to Dirk. That doesn't mean Dirk doesn't know.]

It's okay, Dave. You can trust that I won't do anything until the month is up and we talk about it.

...What hurt?

[ he just. shrugs. at the last comment. since dave is not sure he trusts that but since he supposes he should pretend he trusts it: ]

Yeah, I know. No biggie.

[Dirk doesn't smile. He almost never does. Dave is one of the few people who can consistently get that to break out.]

You pulling away.

[ ...does he mean that figuratively or literally.

dave opts not to ask. ]

It's not all the way.

[Dave, you fucking know.]

It's enough.

[It's too much.]

[ yeah. ]

Yeah. It's exactly enough.

[ dave is a dick, news at eleven

but no he's pretty sure this is the solution. he does not have someone who will talk him through this shitty idea because he doesn't go to people for help often if ever. especially not about this kind of thing. ]

[Haha Dave you know what

you probably have the speed stats you need to catch your brother's punch but he just went for it anyway because fuck you.]

[ he super does

but he just lets it happen without batting an eye and doesn't bother to fight back or let himself get knocked over? just. allows himself to get punched. so. let him know if it helps?

he's going to have to loop a few more days in if this bruises, so karkat won't get upset. ]

[It doesn't help at all? Maybe it would help if Dave fought back. If Dave gave him anything at all. But Dirk, Dirk hates hurting the people he loves, and he cracked and he's angry at himself and he's angry at Dave and he can't do this anymore.

He's shaking. His whole body is trembling.

He makes it stop.]

I'm sorry. That wasn't okay.

[His hands are still fists but now at least he everything still. It's bad in a fighter and it's bad in him and Dave doesn't deserve it, but he sort of fucking does. Dirk is not okay with any of this.]

Med bay has a salve that heals bruises faster.

[ he shrugs one shoulder, expression still neutral, but does reach up to feel around the damage, absently. ]

S'fine. [ it's not, but he's not complaining? because his new plan is just. to do this. and dirk's the only one who's going to notice there's anything off, he's sure, so he just has to perfect it so that isn't the case. ] It'll cut down on the loop time, so I'll get some later.

[ ... ]

Your hand ok?

I'm fine.

[He isn't fine at all. He can feel it building. It's the same thing, it's the same thing all over again. It's Jake a whole planet away, not answering messages, not wanting anything to do with him. It's a lonely apartment in the middle of the ocean after everything has ended. It's holding on to Lil Cal because Dave Strider is too far away.]

Don't worry about it.

[He wants to hold AR in his hands so he can feel the electric burn when he cracks him into pieces.]

[ they're really really good at this.

dave pulls back further, which shouldn't be possible, but. is. ]

...A'ight. You need me over the next month, ping my communicator.

[It's just a moment, just half a second, and then it's gone. But in that second, Dirk's face betrays so much pain and so much fear.

Only that. Dirk walks away instead of flashstepping. He tosses his shades on and exits via the water route. He isn't going back to base.]

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