I don't know yet. I did not say yes or no to her yet. [...] I get what she's trying to do and I understand that it sucks not knowing stuff and worrying about forgetting it all, but I am still a little confused, I think.
[There's a short pause.] I'm not going to make you go if you don't want to. But I am also not sure what I am supposed to tell her information-wise.
[ and that sounds like the start of a sentence, but dave stalls out, gaze shifting to the ceiling. his hand keeps moving, and after a little while he tries to continue. ]
What if I never want to tell you anything I remember ever again? Not now, not in six months, not in a year. What if all you got to know about me was from this life? What I like or what I do or...whatever? Would that be enough? If I was never ready to talk to you about back then, or things now. Would I still be enough?
[At this point he's shifted so he's more on the bed than Dave's legs and he lets his eyes close for a minute, also ignoring his phone.]
...if I recall--[It starts out quiet, slightly amused but mostly calm.]--it was enough before I remembered who you even were. It would be enough after too, I think, because I do not really need to remember a whole history to understand that all four of us were important to each other and we were a part of something bigger. On the other hand, I would probably worry about you but in the end it's your choice. I am pretty sure you don't even tell me everything now anyway.
[ it’s not a complaint. dave’s still carefully running a hand through john’s hair, and he’s not sure who it is supposed to soothe any longer. ]
But even if I don’t, [ tell any of them anything ] you know I love you, right? You and Rose and - [ jade, jade who isn’t here and who he’d been too awkward with the last time they spoke, and he regrets that ] - You’re all...I do care about you. That I don’t want to talk about shit, you know that doesn’t mean I don’t care?
I told you about the butler thing. [But okay, okay. He gets the point and he doesn't move Dave's hand, but his eyebrows furrow together slightly as he tries to process where this is all coming from.]
I know. [And it's not just to placate him, it's just what he knows to be true after everything from the last month and his own memories of Dave from this life and the last.] Of course I know that. What's...are you worried I don't for some reason?
[ so yes, he worries every time John doesn’t seem to mind dave being...dave. ]
I...don’t know. [ if he’ll go, if he’s still invited, whatever. ] But I don’t really want to be the guy who makes everyone remember dying again and again. And I don’t...want them to remember a specific...I don’t like it when I can’t choose to tell people shit or not.
There are some things I do not like, I will admit, but they're just you and I can get used to it. And it's not like I don't understand why anyway. But it's different for you and me because we're best friends. Aradia and Karkat...I remember talking to Karkat. He's in a lot of my memories. I think maybe we get along pretty okay. Aradia remembers me but I do not remember her.
And who the hell is Ryoji? [Since that's important prior to elaborating further.]
Aradia didn’t have much to do with us. I - Karkat and I got along way better before. Eventually. After bein’ locked up for like three years together. But how well I knew them isn’t why...I’m specifically not cool with....
[ he shrugs, helpless. ]
Ryoji is a guy who used to be on the network. Why?
No I know, I meant me. [What?] I don't mind sharing stuff with them but I also don't really know them that well here or there so I am a little confused what might help them. Game mechanics without the specifics of the universe being fucked, maybe? The trolls played the same game we did, didn't they? That's the impression I got.
Aradia said Ryoji might be from our universe but that would have been one too many people from what you said.
That is even weirder then. Aradia said that Ryoji remembered her original form or whatever. When she had horns and wings? And she said he had a class.
I don't really remember a lot about the trolls specifically. Just stuff Karkat told me about and some stuff about their session but not like. What they looked or sounded like or anything except for Terezi. Why?
Oh, that. [ he'll get back to the question and answer in a second. dave's hand falls out of john's hair and onto dave's own chest stomach and he. shrugs. ] That must have been back in July. He had to have fuckin' told her about one of the memories he got from me - one of the meteor ones. There was...a thing. He got some of my bullshit. I died, which was his bullshit? My heart didn't beat for a solid couple of weeks and I stopped breathin'. And I remembered...weird things, and got...called up and couldn't not go, and I think he must have been angry a lot of the time. I don't know. We flipped back after we met up, but.
[He won't object solely because this is kind of serious now.]
How the fuck do you just switch places with someone not even related to our world? I do not even want to think about whatever was going on for him if that's what you got stuck with. Is he still around?
We didn't like...switch places. We just switched some shit. He got my fuckin' time travel. [ it'd driven him up the wall, because no one else but a time player really got the rules and dave wasn't sure he impressed on ryoji just how bad it could be if he didn't stay on the alpha timeline. he's still not even sure he can break away here, but the idea of doing so gets a visceral sense of unease and too many memories of too many dead daves. ] And my eyes. They were hazel again until we flipped our shit back. It was...
[ ... ]
I wasn't exactly thrilled. And no, I'm pretty sure he forgot everythin'. After, uh, actually dying for a little bit? And potentially turning into a child at some point, I'm not 100% clear on what happened there.
They are. Which is why he shouldn't have gotten it, but someone else got Dirk's stupid soul shit then, and a few other people flipped. but yeah.
[ dave hums for a second, trying to figure out what to say. ]
You probably didn't notice, since you're you, and I don't know how much you remember about what all they said or how they said it. But I'm pretty damn sure -
Sometimes this city exhausts me and I have not even lived here that long. [But he shifts, moving a little to be more parallel with Dave while he looks at him.]
[ oh cool now he can look john in the eyes while he tries to figure out how much is enough but not too much to say THAT HELPS
that doesn't help. ]
I don't really like the idea of people knowin' shit about me that I don't or didn't tell them. In general. It's one thing for you or the girls to remember shit I told you, back then, even if I haven't told you now. But it ain't on for people to know shit I never told them, or chose to let them know, in any lifetime.
I get it. You are a very private person and for us it is not quite telling us new information or anything since it is stuff we knew before. But for people like Karkat and Aradia it's different. And yeah, okay, it is a little weird sometimes for me to remember that Rose could see what I was doing in my house and knowing that you were able to tap in and check on all of us but...
[...hang on.] Karkat said that he could see me while he was in the veil. [He's wracking his brain for conversations.] I have a question. How in the fuck did they find us, exactly?
[ technically, terezi had dave help with that part but he DOESN'T QUITE REMEMBER THE EXACT MOMENT OF TRANSFERENCE OR WHY, SO: ]
Not sure. But they had thirteen years of our lives to look at as they talked to us all around our damn timelines. And I'm not super into either of them rememberin' bullshit about me when I never told it to 'em in the first place. Not sure if either one of them actually did pay attention to me as much as Pyrope did, or the weird sweaty dude, but it's not...
[ ???? ]
...I like to pretend I have the illusion of choice in how much up in my business people are or aren't. So I try not to remind them of anything at all.
That also explains some stuff. Talking to us around our own timelines and stuff, not the knowing our entire lives thing. Do you think they were all watching us? Or maybe they took turns or something.
[Let's ignore the subject of weird sweaty dudes. No.]
And by doing that it means you have control of what they do or do not know about you. Are you sure avoiding them is the answer?
[ like. he does try to avoid karkat, but that has more to do with They Argue A Lot than it does with the other part. ]
...It's just part of why I don't...want to tell them my shit. I'm not exactly a fan of makin' people remember death and destruction, either. [ and honestly, he doesn't know either of them well enough to want to sit around discussing the minutiae of their lives. ] But like I told you once: you're the only person who's ever said it's fine if I just, like. Don't.
Which is still true, by the way. When it comes to you and me you still don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. That’s not what I’m saying. Is that what Aradia asked you too?
...she's a kid, Dave. I get why she wants to know and she might be scared of what she's going to become. I don't exactly agree with the idea of forcing anybody to say anything, but I still think...all of us are in the same situation. So it would not hurt to see what she and Karkat have to say. We can tell them what we know about them without revealing personal information about us, can't we?
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[There's a short pause.] I'm not going to make you go if you don't want to. But I am also not sure what I am supposed to tell her information-wise.
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[ and that sounds like the start of a sentence, but dave stalls out, gaze shifting to the ceiling. his hand keeps moving, and after a little while he tries to continue. ]
What if I never want to tell you anything I remember ever again? Not now, not in six months, not in a year. What if all you got to know about me was from this life? What I like or what I do or...whatever? Would that be enough? If I was never ready to talk to you about back then, or things now. Would I still be enough?
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...if I recall--[It starts out quiet, slightly amused but mostly calm.]--it was enough before I remembered who you even were. It would be enough after too, I think, because I do not really need to remember a whole history to understand that all four of us were important to each other and we were a part of something bigger. On the other hand, I would probably worry about you but in the end it's your choice. I am pretty sure you don't even tell me everything now anyway.
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[ it’s not a complaint. dave’s still carefully running a hand through john’s hair, and he’s not sure who it is supposed to soothe any longer. ]
But even if I don’t, [ tell any of them anything ] you know I love you, right? You and Rose and - [ jade, jade who isn’t here and who he’d been too awkward with the last time they spoke, and he regrets that ] - You’re all...I do care about you. That I don’t want to talk about shit, you know that doesn’t mean I don’t care?
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I know. [And it's not just to placate him, it's just what he knows to be true after everything from the last month and his own memories of Dave from this life and the last.] Of course I know that. What's...are you worried I don't for some reason?
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[ so yes, he worries every time John doesn’t seem to mind dave being...dave. ]
I...don’t know. [ if he’ll go, if he’s still invited, whatever. ] But I don’t really want to be the guy who makes everyone remember dying again and again. And I don’t...want them to remember a specific...I don’t like it when I can’t choose to tell people shit or not.
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There are some things I do not like, I will admit, but they're just you and I can get used to it. And it's not like I don't understand why anyway. But it's different for you and me because we're best friends. Aradia and Karkat...I remember talking to Karkat. He's in a lot of my memories. I think maybe we get along pretty okay. Aradia remembers me but I do not remember her.
And who the hell is Ryoji? [Since that's important prior to elaborating further.]
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[ he shrugs, helpless. ]
Ryoji is a guy who used to be on the network. Why?
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Aradia said Ryoji might be from our universe but that would have been one too many people from what you said.
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...and yeah, they did. Just... [ hm. ] I don’t know. How much do you remember about them?
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I don't really remember a lot about the trolls specifically. Just stuff Karkat told me about and some stuff about their session but not like. What they looked or sounded like or anything except for Terezi. Why?
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How the fuck do you just switch places with someone not even related to our world? I do not even want to think about whatever was going on for him if that's what you got stuck with. Is he still around?
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[ ... ]
I wasn't exactly thrilled. And no, I'm pretty sure he forgot everythin'. After, uh, actually dying for a little bit? And potentially turning into a child at some point, I'm not 100% clear on what happened there.
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...is there something specific about the trolls I should remember?
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[ dave hums for a second, trying to figure out what to say. ]
You probably didn't notice, since you're you, and I don't know how much you remember about what all they said or how they said it. But I'm pretty damn sure -
[ he just trails off again so. ]
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...what is it?
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that doesn't help. ]
I don't really like the idea of people knowin' shit about me that I don't or didn't tell them. In general. It's one thing for you or the girls to remember shit I told you, back then, even if I haven't told you now. But it ain't on for people to know shit I never told them, or chose to let them know, in any lifetime.
[ ......................
he didn't really explain. ]
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I get it. You are a very private person and for us it is not quite telling us new information or anything since it is stuff we knew before. But for people like Karkat and Aradia it's different. And yeah, okay, it is a little weird sometimes for me to remember that Rose could see what I was doing in my house and knowing that you were able to tap in and check on all of us but...
[...hang on.] Karkat said that he could see me while he was in the veil. [He's wracking his brain for conversations.] I have a question. How in the fuck did they find us, exactly?
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Not sure. But they had thirteen years of our lives to look at as they talked to us all around our damn timelines. And I'm not super into either of them rememberin' bullshit about me when I never told it to 'em in the first place. Not sure if either one of them actually did pay attention to me as much as Pyrope did, or the weird sweaty dude, but it's not...
[ ???? ]
...I like to pretend I have the illusion of choice in how much up in my business people are or aren't. So I try not to remind them of anything at all.
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[Let's ignore the subject of weird sweaty dudes. No.]
And by doing that it means you have control of what they do or do not know about you. Are you sure avoiding them is the answer?
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[ like. he does try to avoid karkat, but that has more to do with They Argue A Lot than it does with the other part. ]
...It's just part of why I don't...want to tell them my shit. I'm not exactly a fan of makin' people remember death and destruction, either. [ and honestly, he doesn't know either of them well enough to want to sit around discussing the minutiae of their lives. ] But like I told you once: you're the only person who's ever said it's fine if I just, like. Don't.
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More or less.
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