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[parodeity]

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[parodeity]

Sometimes I think you do. [ he doesn't reach out because the cat is in the process of demanding pets but. dave tilts his head to glance over at dirk. ] I'd ask why you like to put yourself through a thing that regularly drives me up every wall, but it's probably always the same damn answer as would be true in reverse. Maybe that's all I was gettin' at, anyway.

[splinten]

[Dirk glances back. He understands a cat takes priority; such is law.]

I don't mind waitin' for you to figure things out. Basically, I want to support you? And I know I need to get better at lettin' you support me.

[parodeity]

That might just be the easiest explanation to my little detour on sanity highway. I just like the new method better.

[splinten]

Easiest explanation is usually the one you sell me on so I don't figure out the real one.

[Just saying.]

I like this way of handlin' it too.

[parodeity]

That's not what it is. You just feel more - real.

[ it probably makes zero sense and dave realizes it, slanting his gaze away and letting it go abstract as he tries to figure out a way to say it that won't get confused or misunderstood. ]

Maybe part of the reason I think of it as lonely is because of that.

[splinten]

[It doesn't make sense to him. More real can mean a lot of things, in a lot of different contexts. He brushes his hand against Dave's arm.]

What do you mean about the more real thing?

[parodeity]

Less distant and hard to read. Not that you usually are. But you know why that's a thing. When I don't know what's goin' through your head I'm usually on a decent day able to handle it normally? In a non weird panicky way. You know the like optimal way where you do not get caught up in a maelstrom of havin' to know or Else. You just seem more...real. Less scary. This is all coming out wrong.

[splinten]

[He turns it over carefully, considering. He does want to understand.] You mean... more like a human, and less like a weird uncertain robot goin' off to recharge his monotone fightbot batteries?

[parodeity]

No. I've never thought of you as a robot, even metaphorically. [ more like: ] Less like an inaccessible guy who wants fuck all to do with me. Less like a cosmic trick.

[splinten]

[Ah. That makes sense.] More like something you really get to have, instead of a weird dream you'll wake up from one day.

[parodeity]

When I don't get where your head is at it's not like I think you're about to pull a Bro on me or somethin'. Maybe way back at first but - usually I just freak a little 'cause if I don't know what you want I can't give it to you and - y'know, whatever. I don't always know the steps. I'm not sure I'm sayin' this right still. When I know what's up you seem less like a loss waitin' to happen though, yeah. You're more real.

[ he makes a face. it still feels like an inadequate explanation. ]

[splinten]

Is it like... the thing where you worry that you're going to mess up and lose me?

[parodeity]

Don't you? [ that's not an answer. ] But yeah. Not that knowin' what you wants helps usually 'cause you don't like that, but like. Yeah.

[splinten]

I worry about it despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. It's in no small part related to my persistent and durable impression that I don't deserve you.

[He decides to answer the question because Dave deserves answers. At least Dirk thinks so.]

[parodeity]

If it helps I'm usually sure I don't deserve you either?

[ this is clearly helpful and useful information. ]

[splinten]

Super helpful. [But there's a fondness and he shifts his hand to hold Dave's arm.] I do genuinely find some comfort in acknowledging the ways we're alike.

[parodeity]

Your cup is just runnin' over right now, then. [ at least it helped. somehow. ] I should maybe give up on clarity in this instance because I'm still not sure I got what I meant across, which is like. Not unusual, but I don't think the world is endin' with it not gettin' across, so I can mostly just go "fuck me, why are words hard when you actually need 'em" since of course if you don't there's a million ready to go, you know?

[splinten]

Hearin' you talk about givin' up is basically in the top ten list of things I'm against. [Okay, now Macklemeow has to share because Dirk's going to lean his head on Dave.]

[parodeity]

[ if he's just leaning on dave's arm that's fine otherwise there's disgruntled kitten mews. ] What're the other nine?

[splinten]

[It's his chest a bit. Sorry Macklemeow.] Do you actually want to make up a list on the spot?

[parodeity]

[ the cat is Not Thrilled but will settle after a bit. ]

Yeah.

[splinten]

Is it top ten things involving you, or is this a list that's going to include clowns?

[Because he's against clowns.]

[parodeity]

Give me both versions of the list, I guess. [ kitten or no dave is always down to self destruct ]

[splinten]

[Why is Dave like this. Dirk flops a little.] They're probably not going to be the best possible version of this list. I'm not... totally sure I can even do it. It doesn't really work for a list format. I'm against, broadly speaking, things that are related to you in pain or giving up. I hate everything that puts you back into your apartment. Sometimes, when we're talkin', I can tell you've been pushed back into that mindset. I tend to get pretty desperate then trying to bring you back.

That would be the reason why it worries me when you just give up on things. It isn't so bad if you're takin' a break or pulling out the time you need, since that's what you need to do and I can respect that. There's a fatalism, though, to your general mindset, which gets amplified regarding certain interpersonal issues and which concerns me.

[parodeity]

I think it's more or less a time player requirement to be fatalistic. I could take Megido's approach, but maybe I'd have to spend more time bein' really dead first. Is that the kinda shit you mean?