[Okay. He can do this. He can be honest. He can tell his brother how he feels.
Okay.
Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are alone. You are tired of this place and also yourself. Who wouldn't be, spending every hour of every day with you? The rooftop is empty, overwhelmingly so, it's vast because there's no one there, it's so small because everything that is there is you. You are everywhere; no one else is. If you jump no one will catch you, if you drown no one will save you, but you will have your own voice mocking you the whole way down. You think about it because everything is dead except you and that's lonely. If you can join them, you won't be alone. But you don't want to join that either, you want and you don't want to exist, and isn't that just like you? You want so much, more than you deserve, and the more you want it the less you deserve it. You want someone to hold your hand and tell you they want to be near you, and when you feel the palm of your own hands under your fingers you want to rip yourself apart. Fighting yourself and nothing like this is frustrating, pointless, stupid. You're so stupid. This is what you get and you should be grateful to even have this chance of survival when you don't deserve it. Why can't you just shut up? You find the endlessness of the ocean reassuring as a promise no one will see you like this and you find it terrifying as a promise no one will ever pull you out. Your thoughts never stop and you are never alone courtesy of your own brain, but you wish you could be. You wish you could deserve it.
Sometimes you look at the ocean and you think you want to go home, but you know that isn't right. You are more home than you deserve to be in a place your Bro saved just to keep you alive. You are as ungrateful as you are jealous, unworthy, unloveable, stupid and selfish and disgusting and controlling and weak. You want to go home to someone and stop coming home only to yourself.
But there isn't anyone. There's just you, the ocean, and reflections of your self. It's frustrating, and it's exhausting, and it's stupid. You just want anything to make it stop. You just want to anchor yourself on something outside of you. You just want too much.]
no subject
[Okay. He can do this. He can be honest. He can tell his brother how he feels.
Okay.
Your name is Dirk Strider, and you are alone. You are tired of this place and also yourself. Who wouldn't be, spending every hour of every day with you? The rooftop is empty, overwhelmingly so, it's vast because there's no one there, it's so small because everything that is there is you. You are everywhere; no one else is. If you jump no one will catch you, if you drown no one will save you, but you will have your own voice mocking you the whole way down. You think about it because everything is dead except you and that's lonely. If you can join them, you won't be alone. But you don't want to join that either, you want and you don't want to exist, and isn't that just like you? You want so much, more than you deserve, and the more you want it the less you deserve it. You want someone to hold your hand and tell you they want to be near you, and when you feel the palm of your own hands under your fingers you want to rip yourself apart. Fighting yourself and nothing like this is frustrating, pointless, stupid. You're so stupid. This is what you get and you should be grateful to even have this chance of survival when you don't deserve it. Why can't you just shut up? You find the endlessness of the ocean reassuring as a promise no one will see you like this and you find it terrifying as a promise no one will ever pull you out. Your thoughts never stop and you are never alone courtesy of your own brain, but you wish you could be. You wish you could deserve it.
Sometimes you look at the ocean and you think you want to go home, but you know that isn't right. You are more home than you deserve to be in a place your Bro saved just to keep you alive. You are as ungrateful as you are jealous, unworthy, unloveable, stupid and selfish and disgusting and controlling and weak. You want to go home to someone and stop coming home only to yourself.
But there isn't anyone. There's just you, the ocean, and reflections of your self. It's frustrating, and it's exhausting, and it's stupid. You just want anything to make it stop. You just want to anchor yourself on something outside of you. You just want too much.]