I used to kind of think I was? Or like. I used to tell myself that I was, like, that I didn't have the feelings or that honesty was maybe not worth it. Except then I was kind of honest anyway? With the others, I mean. Sometimes. Not about...everything, just, like. Yeah.
[ he never pretended not to adore them. not really. dave teased his friends and gave them a hard time sometimes, but his affection was always clear. he's pretty sure that's the case, because rose and john and jade never seemed to doubt that he genuinely loved them. ]
I dunno. I kind of like just chatting with you. [ there's a small embarrassed laugh. ] I don't really know what to say either I guess?? I, like. I dunno, I'm used to being the, uh, I mean, I'm not the alpha Dave so I guess I've been thinking of myself as...less better than the other "me"s. It pisses John off.
[ dirk nods because it's something he understands all too well. for all that dave tends to remind him of roxy, they have their similarities outside of looking alike too. whether it's because of ectobiological bullshit or because dirk spend his whole life modeling himself after his version of dave, who knows.
the admission and embarrassed laugh get a tiny sheepish smile out of him. it's bizarre for him to think anyone would genuinely like hanging out with him, but dave keeps doing it and he doesn't doubt his bro's sincerity so he's doing something right there, maybe. it's also some comfort that they're both out of their depth in this moment.
but what dave goes on to say grabs his attention more than anything and he finds himself focusing on that. ]
Why do you think that?
[ there's no judgment in either the question itself or the way he regards dave, just simple curiosity. ]
Why does it make him mad? [ a shrug, although dave knows the answer. they've argued about it often enough, and it's not really an argument either of them ever wins. except that dave's bad at fighting and he's more or less agreed to do things john's way. ] Because he doesn't want other versions of us. Me and the girls, I mean. He doesn't like remembering that I am, technically, pretty fucking dead.
[ like fair enough, dirk can get that reasoning and he could probably point john jake's way to commiserate when it comes to not wanting to deal with other versions of friends because goodness knows how much grief hal has given him and how many times dirk has read logs between them with jake demanding to speak to the "real dirk".
but that's neither here nor there and not what he was asking. ]
Oh. [ fair question, and dave tries to marshal his thoughts. ] ...I guess because I let my friends die. I mean, I know logically I didn't, that I did everything I could and that I'm not any more at fault for it than John is for not being there? But there's always that little voice at the back of your head that says if you were good enough you could have saved them even when you know it's lying and that's just how things went and now you have to move past it.
[ he's not sure that makes sense, exactly. he tries again. ]
And I guess I'm used to the idea of doomed Daves, and have always sort of known about the chance of being one, because every time I alter a timeline there's another one of those around and like. I dunno? I guess I never thought about - I never let myself think about how I would feel after that happened. I owe Davesprite a few thousand apologies, maybe.
[ it makes perfect sense to dirk because he would feel exactly the same. in fact, he's sort of been there. their entry into the game had been a complete clusterfuck that led to jane and roxy dead. dirk was just lucky enough hal managed to salvage the situation with a plan that got everyone back on their feet and in the same place.
but it shouldn't have happened, shouldn't have gone down that way, and he feels responsible. that must only be a fraction of what dave must be feeling like now, but it's all too easy to imagine how he could have ended up in a similar situation. so he gets it. ]
I know saying this is probably not going to help much because I would feel the exact same way in your situation and it's not easy to shake, but in case you need to hear it from someone else: none of it is your fault and it doesn't make you less of anything.
[ it's tentative, and he's still not looking over. ]
Like. I worried a little bit that me not bein' the me who like...hashed shit out with you, and all that, would make things awkward? That I wasn't the right one. Or whatever.
[ that's okay. he wouldn't have (and obviously didn't) know how to react to positivity directed at him either. so long as dave knows, it's fine.
and as ever, he answers honestly. ]
Maybe it was a little at first, but I was more concerned with the fact you were maybe robbed of the catharsis that he might have gotten out of telling me on his own terms. [ a beat. ] If that makes sense? And I didn't want to make you uncomfortable knowing things you didn't tell anyone.
[ fortunately that hasn't seemed like an issue. ]
But to me there's no such thing as a "right" version of you. You're you, every iteration of you holds the same core and potential that my bro did, which makes every version of you important to me.
I'm, uh, used to people knowin' shit they shouldn't, or that I didn't tell them. The game is weird about information distribution. Was weird.
[ so he barely registered that and had been more concerned about...dirk. he'd spent so much time building the guy up as something terrifying, only to have every preconception get turned on its head.
which, like. was good! ]
...Thanks. You're, uh, the only version of you I've ever met besides - well, y'know. You're my favorite?
[ it's said with a wry little smile. although he might not have a sibling relationship with roxy, that right there describes his feelings toward her pretty accurately. ]
Yeah? What is she into?
[ like he already knows somewhat thanks to knowing about roxy's mom, but obviously there are differences between versions and it gives dave a chance to talk about his sister. ]
Cats. Wizards. The zoologically dubious horrorterror bullshit. Psychology, and analyzin' her friends. Meddling. Knitting, thanks to John. Chicks, specifically of the vampire persuasion. Obscure literature. Writing.
[ a lot of things, really. ]
Actin' like she knows everything and being right about 90% of the time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
awash event 8: dirk strider version 2
I used to kind of think I was? Or like. I used to tell myself that I was, like, that I didn't have the feelings or that honesty was maybe not worth it. Except then I was kind of honest anyway? With the others, I mean. Sometimes. Not about...everything, just, like. Yeah.
[ he never pretended not to adore them. not really. dave teased his friends and gave them a hard time sometimes, but his affection was always clear. he's pretty sure that's the case, because rose and john and jade never seemed to doubt that he genuinely loved them. ]
I dunno. I kind of like just chatting with you. [ there's a small embarrassed laugh. ] I don't really know what to say either I guess?? I, like. I dunno, I'm used to being the, uh, I mean, I'm not the alpha Dave so I guess I've been thinking of myself as...less better than the other "me"s. It pisses John off.
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the admission and embarrassed laugh get a tiny sheepish smile out of him. it's bizarre for him to think anyone would genuinely like hanging out with him, but dave keeps doing it and he doesn't doubt his bro's sincerity so he's doing something right there, maybe. it's also some comfort that they're both out of their depth in this moment.
but what dave goes on to say grabs his attention more than anything and he finds himself focusing on that. ]
Why do you think that?
[ there's no judgment in either the question itself or the way he regards dave, just simple curiosity. ]
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[ ...for good reason. ]
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but that's neither here nor there and not what he was asking. ]
No, I meant why do you think you're less better?
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[ he's not sure that makes sense, exactly. he tries again. ]
And I guess I'm used to the idea of doomed Daves, and have always sort of known about the chance of being one, because every time I alter a timeline there's another one of those around and like. I dunno? I guess I never thought about - I never let myself think about how I would feel after that happened. I owe Davesprite a few thousand apologies, maybe.
no subject
but it shouldn't have happened, shouldn't have gone down that way, and he feels responsible. that must only be a fraction of what dave must be feeling like now, but it's all too easy to imagine how he could have ended up in a similar situation. so he gets it. ]
I know saying this is probably not going to help much because I would feel the exact same way in your situation and it's not easy to shake, but in case you need to hear it from someone else: none of it is your fault and it doesn't make you less of anything.
no subject
[ it's tentative, and he's still not looking over. ]
Like. I worried a little bit that me not bein' the me who like...hashed shit out with you, and all that, would make things awkward? That I wasn't the right one. Or whatever.
no subject
and as ever, he answers honestly. ]
Maybe it was a little at first, but I was more concerned with the fact you were maybe robbed of the catharsis that he might have gotten out of telling me on his own terms. [ a beat. ] If that makes sense? And I didn't want to make you uncomfortable knowing things you didn't tell anyone.
[ fortunately that hasn't seemed like an issue. ]
But to me there's no such thing as a "right" version of you. You're you, every iteration of you holds the same core and potential that my bro did, which makes every version of you important to me.
no subject
[ so he barely registered that and had been more concerned about...dirk. he'd spent so much time building the guy up as something terrifying, only to have every preconception get turned on its head.
which, like. was good! ]
...Thanks. You're, uh, the only version of you I've ever met besides - well, y'know. You're my favorite?
no subject
and being deemed dave's favorite still makes him sort of stupidly happy despite... ]
That's kind of a really low bar. [ it's said with humor though, amusement in the faint pull of his lips. ] But I'll take it.
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[ dave sort of grins a little, which for him means his lips pull up slightly and his posture loosens. ]
Unless of course she's busy bein' my least favorite sister, but that happens basically never even if I complain.
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[ although that's coming from someone who has been alone all his life and so the idea of siblings has always been inherently appealing to him.
but also, he kinda wishes things could have been like that with roxy. ]
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[ unfortunately he would DIE FOR HER and it's like. she would die for him too so maybe that's fine? ]
Like I've said, she's like. You guys have a lot in common, actually.
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[ it's said with a wry little smile. although he might not have a sibling relationship with roxy, that right there describes his feelings toward her pretty accurately. ]
Yeah? What is she into?
[ like he already knows somewhat thanks to knowing about roxy's mom, but obviously there are differences between versions and it gives dave a chance to talk about his sister. ]
no subject
[ a lot of things, really. ]
Actin' like she knows everything and being right about 90% of the time.